The Subatomic Witch's Blog
Spiritual Healing & Guidance for those who can feel there is something more out there for them than what they've been sold.
I've tried a few times over the last YEAR to update, blog, get back to blogging/teaching, etc... and I have failed miserably, each time. There was a time when I knew myself. And it's not that I'm sitting here NOT knowing who I am; instead, I'm just not liking this new, broken version of me. Like, at all. Does this mean I can't teach you how to find yourself? No. Of course I still can. Just don't expect it to be a pleasant journey along the way. The more truth you are exposed to, the less recognizable your life becomes. I feel at this point I want to write my masterpiece and call it, "How to give a shit when you don't, by hoping one day you actually will." I'll let you know how that pans out, okay? Lol? Anyway... I just thought that I'd say "hey!" and "I'm still alive (whatever that means?)" and also... I was reading through my notes the other day for the PRMseries and I swear, I don't even know who the hell wrote it? I mean, I KNOW I DID, but unfortunately... and just fyi, I'm bawling like a fucking baby as I type this right now... I've just lost so much of myself over the last decade, and the majority of it went real quickly the whole year of 2019.... So. I WANT to finish this series, at least the Numerology portion which by my calculations has at least 3 MAIN lessons left before we can move on, but... I don't know that I have it in me anymore. Some days, I can barely get up to feed/water my farm animals. My body is trying to kill me from the inside out. My endometriosis has spread up passed my diaphram up around my heart & lungs and into my arm muscle/tissue. And some days, I swear it's already in my brain. This physical pain, combined with a mental and spiritual break and a second concussion last year plus so much other bullshit has left me feeling helpless and unmotivated. But hey... I have been on Twitter, even if I've been nowhere else for a while, I've posted some YouTube videos, I've updated my merch, and I've never left Pinterest, although I'm hardly ever on FB or Instagram, and I started reviewing books again... So I haven't competely given up, I guess? Anyway... this was really just to say hey and hope everyone is doing alright/as best as they can. Love you.
It's the New Moon in Aries, and while normally I'd be outside doing a ritual of sorts, THIS is what I'm COMPELLED to be doing, instead. I've sown my seeds of intention. I've released my burdens, my worries, my past life contracts & vows... I've accepted my powers, gifts, abilities... Tonight, I start working in the capacity I've been called. Starting with some more "About me" story time.
It's been a long time coming. I've finally reached a point where I can TRULY be grateful for the life I have. I mean, I've had my moments where I thought my life was good, great even... But, this overwhelming feeling I have of "living in the right moment" is a complete and polar opposite to the feelings I've held up until the end of last year.
Last year was the end of a cycle. And not just for me, but for the world as a whole. I know everyone is feeling some kind of way... a shift in the Matrix, so-to-speak; because these thoughts are absolutely EVERYWHERE. Every podcast, book, blog, video, etc. that you come in contact with that has ANYTHING to do with self-improvement, whether it's religious based or witchy based or anything else in between, has the same exact language, RIGHT. NOW. Words like the Matrix, the Collective, Purpose, Frequency, Passion, Discipline, Service to others, Progress, Growth, Letting go of things that no longer serve you, Subconcious Retraining, Mindset... etc. It doesn't matter if you're listening to Tony Robbins, or Rachel Hollis, or Tim Ferris, or Jessica Lanyadoo, or whomever... they're ALL SAYING the SAME EXACT THING: Happiness comes from within AND it's time to shine our light and love and joy into the world to help everyone else rise up.
Yes, I WAS SUICIDAL. NO, I haven't attempted to take my life since middle school when I tried to swallow a bunch of pain killers, which apparently wasn't enough to do shit, because I didn't even get sick. My heart was obviously not in it. I thought back then a handful would've sufficed, but I think the unconcious part of me knew that if I DID get sick, instead of dying, the punishment from my dad would've beat any death, any day. And that's saying something. Of course, that's me musing about it now, some 28 years later, so... who really knows? I don't even think I told more than say, a couple of friends, so it wasn't for attention... yeah... I dunno.
What I do know, is that I've ALWAYS wanted to die. And FUCK, I HATE even saying that, but I NEED to say that. I NEED to express just how much I was just going through the motions, every fucking day of my life for YEARS. I HATED having to live, more like, exist, because others depended on me. Of course, I CHOSE to have my kids, and it was ALWAYS my kids that kept me from going through with any half-baked plan I might've had. And I say half-baked because whenever I'd envision how I'd do it, the 'fantasy' would fall apart as would I, as I got to the second half of the scenario: who would find my body? How would it affect them? How would my death impact the lives of those that NEEDED me, that I selfishly left behind? Fuck. Fuck. and Double FUCK. Obviously, I just couldn't do it, but I wished for death in a far off future, can't wait to get there, kind of way... like a great vacation kind of anticipation, kind of vibe. Like, people are all, "I can't wait to go to Paris or Hawaii!" And I was like, "I can't wait to not be needed so I can die!" I have felt for so long, and for so many countless years, so disingenuine, so fake. I hated having to smile and be strong.
*AS I wrote that last sentence, I was reminded of some posts I'd done on my HiporCritical Tumblr blog, last year, when I still wanted to post those thoughts in anonymity... When I WASN'T blogging on this website, because I just COULDN'T let these feelings out publicly. There was a part of me that felt that if I HAD SHARED these thoughts, then, that it would've been harmful and detrimental to whomever was reading them, because again, as an EMPATH, I know how I can influence the lives of others. So, I kept this to myself, bottled up and brewing. I was dying, and I was okay with it. Then, when I finally broke in October, I started expressing to members of my family & to my friends, how I was feeling. I wasn't afraid anymore to tell those closest to me that life didn't matter anymore, that I'd been taken for granted and abused for so-fucking-long... And it wasn't even about not having gotten the recognition for my efforts or the severe lack of appreciation... It was instead, about the suffocating feeling of having carried everyone else's burdens for so long, having their crosses break on MY BACK, and then being kicked and spat on while I was broken and dying.
Being a Martyr, sucks.
Did I learn a lesson? Eh... more like I just carried them for as far as I was willing to go. I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE. But, I couldn't let this be my life, anymore, and I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO. 'Been knowin, actually... So, last year, during the last week of December, I PHYSICALLY & EMOTIONALLY & SYMBOLICALLY began "washing my hands" of "their problems". One by one, until Imbolc (Beginning of February), I systematically relieved myself of the responsibility I had to them. Them, in this sense is family members & friends. Technically, the friends part started a bit earlier than End of December, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, I didn't cut them out of my life, I didn't stop loving them, I just cut my strings that were tied and tangled up in their webs. Meaning I wasn't listening to anymore bullshit. If they weren't taking my advice- fuck em. Seriously. If they couldn't care enough to make the effort to fix their lives, then why THE FUCK SHOULD I??? I wanted happiness, and I KNEW I DESERVED IT. And so did they. But their happiness wasn't my problem, even if they wanted it to be.
I realized back in 2016, when I started blogging, that that made me feel GOOD (the act of blogging). Like, really, REALLY-GOOD. I've said that before, so I don't feel I need to say it again. You can go to my Precariously Balanced Life Blog, and search in the categories for any post tagged as "deep thoughts" and I'm sure you'll find plenty to read about what makes me happy (blogging) and all kinds of other shit to keep you occupied for hours. Lol.
But, because so many around me weren't feeling good, it was hard for me to FEEL GOOD. And I'm NOT BLAMING them while simultaneously NOT BLAMING MYSELF; instead, I'm saying that all of that was to be expected. Again, back to the whole language of what we're hearing a lot of right now. It was the end of an incredibly dark cycle.
Welcome to the light.
When I acknowledged the fact that I was a witch, I asked for only one thing in return: "When I take this step forward and use this gift I have to help and heal others, within and without of my normal circle... when I expand to do the work that is required of me, the work I feel called to do... Please, let me know in the moment, as I am presented with a 'problem', that "this" is what I'm supposed to say. Let me know without a doubt, that these words, or this action, etc. is EXACTLY what this person NEEDS. We live in an era of incredible speed and resources, let me NOT WASTE MY TIME or the TIME of THOSE IN NEED."
And since that moment in September of last year, that is EXACTLY what I've gotten. Have I always had the answers? Sure, yes, I have. But damnit I'd be lying if I said that sometimes I had to really stew on an issue or hurry up & wait to get the answer. And THAT was such a huge problem, that I am happy to be rid of.
I'm sure I'll post again more about this topic, but as I've decided to add 3 of my Tumblr blog posts here, I know this post is already kinda a lot to read. Like that's any kind of a surprise, right? I mean, it's me. I'm always long-winded.
Anyway, below you will see 3 posts I did on Tumblr, on my HiporCritical Blog, last year. These were some thoughts I had that I wasn't sharing "publicly" as I hadn't yet, revealed that I had this other blog, and again, I wasn't sharing this part of me to really anyone...
Why I'm sharing them now? I'm not sure. I just feel compelled to do so. Someone out there is feeling the same way, or did and is weary of actually feeling better now, even though the "Universe et all", is saying it is time. If just by sharing this it helps to connect with someone, then I am happy. Helping people has been my passion, and I KNOW it IS MY PURPOSE.
Post #1 (February 25, 2018)
I AM #StrongEnough to fight off the negativity…
But damnit, I’m so tired of doing so. I’m the person everyone comes to for help. But who the Hell, do I go to?
If you’ve read any of my posts from any of my blogs, you might already know that I’m a builder of people and fixer of people’s problems. You might already know that I’m also an INTJ Libra female. You might already know that I have bipolar depression, endometriosis, and polycystic ovarian syndrome. You might already know that I went through puberty at a very young age and was hypersexual throughout my adolescence and early adult years. You might already know that I don’t give a flying f*@k about what others think of me, when compared to what I THINK OF ME.
If you did or didn’t know any of this, it’s pretty much irrelevant to this post, I guess. I’m not even sure what this post is supposed to be. I’m just sitting here, in a cold truck, in a quiet parking lot at night, needing to say… something.
But I’m not sure what.
I mean, I have a LOT to say. But I question who would fully understand (it), in its majority. Like, who can truly understand what I AM feeling?
I know I’m not the only person with too many responsibilities, too many projects, too many worries, too many mouths to feed and lives to guide. I know I’m not the only person who puts 20+ hour days into a job that possibly doesn’t pay until you’re on your deathbed and you get to reflect on the life you’ve led.
You see, where I end up feeling alone, is when I try to find answers… anywhere… and I can’t find them. So then being who I am, I dig into my own consciousness and find the answers there… only to have to store that information for later so I can share this insight with others who need this guidance.
I want to know how many others out there REALLY live the life of a sage, a prophet, an apostle, a god? And I’m not talking about those fake ass people who are just repeating what they’ve been told. I mean people who genuinely KNOW the answer, naturally & instinctively. The people who were born with that knowledge.
I want to know who the general cries to. Who god cries to? What or who, is the Apex predator afraid of?
… to be continued
Feb 25th, 2018
Post #2 (February 28, 2018)
I’m tired of being fake*
I’m tired of putting on a mask for the sake of others. I’m tired of pretending to care when in reality I care more than they ever could. I’m tired of saying I love you back, to someone who doesn’t understand the weight those words carry when I say it; to someone who doesn’t & couldn’t love me, as much. I’m tired of being the example. I’m tired of leading. I’m tired of having to dig deep into my extinguished reserves of patience & kindness & understanding EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. ALL DAY. I’m tired of feeling like a loser when I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting off every negative thought, keeping a barrier up so they don’t creep in… I’m tired of trying to stay focused on all the positive when my body wakes, sleeps, and functions every day in excruciating pain. I’m tired of expecting everyone around me to be able to think for once, by themselves. I’m so tired. I’m tired of hurting and existing in purgatory. I feel like I’m in limbo; suspended in animation or a thick gelatinous substance that allows me to only sink further into despair. Breathing is hard. Keeping my eyes open, even harder. I function most days autonomously. I’m tired of just going through the motions. I’m tired of not having someone to talk to or work out my problems and thoughts with, but myself. FUCK, I’m so tired. And FUCK I’m so lonely and cold. The weight of everyone’s problems is on my shoulders, and there’s no room left for mine. These tears aren’t mine. These tears are from the heaviness that weighs upon my psyche. I don’t live within the selfish divide of “Not my problem” & “You gotta take care of yourself”, I live on the other side that carries the knowledge, power, and responsibility & obligation to show others how to BE. There is NO OTHER OPTION. I’m just tired. I’m tired of talking to myself, talking me out of depression, talking me down off the ledge, talking me back to life so I can have a pulse again. I’m tired of having to perform CPR on myself. But, here I go again… quitting isn’t an option. My “Fakeness” is a dumbing down, an act of commonality so that others can be comfortable, even if I am not. My “fakeness” is for their benefit, not mine. Is it a lack of Integrity? A lack of self-truth? No, I know who I am through & through… I CHOOSE to act accordingly where present company is considered.
Feb 28th, 2018
Sometimes, I wish I had far lower standards; that I could be more carefree, or care less.
Sometimes, the disappointment I feel for the people that should be my equals, or even my superiors, is suffocating.
Sometimes, I really just want to burn every scrap of paper or delete every digital log of any thought that verifies my existence as an individual… so I can just be part of the crowd. The flock. The unwary. The group that lives within the Matrix of lies and complacency that dictate our illnesses & shortcomings. The village of blind, deaf, and dumb our souls live in, when it comes to seeing, hearing, and speaking with our hearts and minds, and living by our own wants and desires.
Sometimes, caring sucks.
Sometimes, caring is my greatest weakness.
Apr 10th, 2018
If you've read all of this to the end, THANK YOU... I know that was a lot! I do appreciate you stopping by, and
please, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Contact me. Much love. <3 <3<3
This isn't something new. This is actually a full disclosure about WHO I REALLY AM. I've shared so much about me, so far. I announced last year that I have a separate blog for my not-so-nice thoughts and ideas (HipOrCritical View) & a subsequent Podcast by the same name. I have my Artist page where I have finally shown off my LOVE of Implied Genitalia in my artwork... I've talked about my family, my farm, my struggles with illnesses... I've shared quite a bit of my writing style... This is basically the final piece of ME that I needed to share, so that you can get the full picture. I felt it was finally TIME.
So... I'm just gonna jump right in...
When I realized I was in fact, a witch, me being me... I had to know what that meant, and I ended up getting caught up in trying to figure out what EVERYTHING meant. I researched the different types of witches (there are many) and the different types of Empaths (also, quite a few). I came to the frustrating conclusion that I was a bit of each kind, some more so than others. This just made my journey of "accepting" (I like to use the term "acknowledging", instead of "accepting") who I was/am, THAT much more difficult and confusing.
I hadn't really delved into the herbal and crystal and spell magic stuffs, at that point in time, so that also made it hard for me to really come to terms with this part of my awakening. I'd known I was gifted with something special, but it had up until last year really, been solely focused in the realm of words and intentions. This was my ish. I found out at a young age that I could influence people and affect their lives in positive ways, just by planting a seed in their mind. For example, people would leave their abusive partners, or they'd ask someone out, or they'd quit their job to start their own business, or they'd go on a trip they'd been making excuses not to take, or they'd finally decide to move to a new place, etc. etc. etc.... Shit, I wrote a song about it that illustrated exactly that (It's in my Book of Poetry). I even wrote a FB post about my kids being forces of Nature and me, being the human equivalent to an F5 Tornado.
Like, I've totally known that I had this ability, I'd just never realized it was part of my "power".
In addition to that, I've had dealings with the supernatural... I've banished ghosts/entities from houses, which, even as I did it and knew I could do it, I still had a hard time believing I wasn't crazy. I don't see dead people (not yet, at least), but I do feel their energies.
I actually FEEL everyone's energies; alive & dead. That too, is what has made my life so interesting & extremely difficult.
I've also been incredibly adept at manifesting my reality. When I want something, and I make myself believe that I am ready for (it) and deserve (it), there is literally nothing I haven't been able to bring into my life. However, when I lose focus on me, and instead focus on others, then my ability to manisfest things shifts instead to helping others in manifesting their lives; like, actively walking them through the process, being their little conscience on their shoulder, as it were.
But, when I finally realized I was an Empath, all of my mental illness made sense. The depression, being bipolar, and the constant thoughts of suicide, suddenly had a new explanation. It wasn't me. I've always been the person that everyone has come to for help and guidance. You can read any of my blog posts from a Precariously Balanced Life and see where I talk about being lonely at the top, being an Apex predator, etc. Hell, I've even spoken about me being "The Golden Child", the kid that was gonna "change the world" according to my dad. So, I've always known I had a purpose. I've always known that I was a Healer on many different levels & in different capacities.
I've always known that I can affect change and had the responsibility to do so.
"With great power comes great responsibility."
You probably already know by now that that is one of my favorite quotes. Stan Lee/Uncle Ben, truly hit the nail on the head. When you have the power to see how a problem can be solved, you have a direct moral obligation to act or else suffer the consequences.
For me, that responsibility translated to a lot of dealing with people who had issues that to me, were easily solvable,
if they'd only just do the work.
But, unfortunately, people like easy fixes with minimal effort.
And a life worth living doesn't come easy. Sorry. And dealing with people that didn't want to do things a different way, but instead wanted to continually cry about things not changing as they stuck to their own, proven, ineffective ways, well, it was draining, to say the least.
That old adage of "Doing the same thing expecting different results" is spot on; and it is DEFINITELY the definition of INSANITY.
"A life worth living doesn't come easy." T.B. Cooper
I've always been loud and friendly, so people have always flocked to me. I was ALWAYS the excuse for bad behavior...
"Oh, well, Tatiana was with me"
"Oh, well, yeah, that bitch is crazy, so I totally understand how you lost your bra somewhere...
...or stayed out too late,
...or went home with a guy you might've never spoken to..."
Which, that's fine. For me, I'd rather folks be accountable for their own actions, but it's whatever.
At least people had a good time when they were with me.
The problem was never ME being the excuse, it was instead, ME feeling... their depression, their anxiety, their apprehensions and fears, their excitement, their joys, their regrets... often it was from many people, all in one day or in a very short period of time...
and then, the problem became ME carrying ALL of those feelings, with me.
Of course my emotions were on a constant roller-coaster, how could they not be?
Of course I was "crazy", how could I not be? I was feeling, and still DO, FEEL~ EVERYTHING.
And when it became too much, when I was absolutely exhausted and didn't know how I TRULY FELT, or worse, WHY I FELT the way I did... I became suicidal. I've been suicidal since my teenage/junior high school years. And it wasn't until NOW, that I understand, FINALLY, why.
So, there's so much more to this story, but to answer the question of "Why "Subatomic""?
Well, it goes back to the whole "me figuring out what kind of Witch & Empath I was/am"... Since not a single label resonated with me completely, I had to create my own. I am fond of the word "whore", but that didn't seem an adequate label for what I am, as a "type of witch." LOL. So instead, I started really thinking about what my "powers" really were/are, and on what level. And I realized that the best way I could describe to myself, what the fabric of time & reality that I weave with was/is, ... well, it's on a subatomic level. That bare roots part of existence. The very, tiny, initial pieces of what is a part of everything else. The microscopic level. The nucleus. Because, what I was doing, what I do do, is based in subtlety, and it's in the realm of the unseen. I could've gone with just Empathic Witch, or Emotional Witch... but there is just so much more that pulls me. Different elements pull me on different days, and in different situations...
I'm as much a Storm Witch as I am an Energy one, for an example.
And so on...
No, I am not evil. My magic is no different from using the Law of Attraction & setting positive intentions & feeling/living a life of Abundance, and MOST IMPORTANTLY... SHARING that LOVE & ABUNDANCE with as many people as possible. Making wishes become reality is not any different from Witchcraft or Religious praying to an unseen God (which I believe in none), on the fundamental level. I could just as easily say I'm not a Witch, but instead, a Manifester. But, since I have always gone against the grain, and I am sure I was a witch drowned or burned in a former life (quite possibly), I'll just happily accept that title with grace and love.
But, anyways... this is my first post on this blog, on this, my website, as a Witch, who is officially "out of the Broom Closet". My intention is to share the guidance and wisdom I've been sharing with so many, over the years, on here. So, I'll post conversations and advice I've given. I'll post spells. I'll post things that I feel someone out there needs to read. My "Precariously Balanced Life" blog is really about the more Human side of me. I haven't posted a lot of Spiritual stuff on there because I haven't felt comfortable, until now, with sharing something so intimate about me, with "the world". But, I've heard the call. And now, I'm not afraid to put this out there, because I know how many I've helped, and my love for humanity is unending. The knowledge & wisdom I've gleaned & remembered is bursting from me, waiting to be shared, so it was now or never that I finally share me, completely.
Until next time, sending love to you on a subatomic level,
P.S. If you've found yourself here, on this page and need help... Please, contact me, here.
If you have found this page goes against your beliefs, please go on your merry way, blessed and not concerned with how I'm living my life.
Click on the pictures below for quick access to previous lessons...
Check out my Pinterest Board "Dancing Naked" for lots of ideas and inspiration in all things Witchcraft...
All About Me A Life Worth Living Announcements Better Deep Thoughts Getting To Know Thyself Getting To Know Thyself Better Getting-to-know-thyself-better Infinite Truths Lesson With FREE PDF Musings New Moon Reflection Personal Road Map Course Shadow Work