"Trying to Find Love... Poems & Reflections of the
Love that Made Me"
Publication Date: January 27, 2016
Book of Songs/Poetry, Available on Amazon in Paperback & on Kindle
Love that Made Me"
Publication Date: January 27, 2016
Book of Songs/Poetry, Available on Amazon in Paperback & on Kindle
Long ago, a young woman survived a period of passionate love affairs that shaped her future. That woman was me.
Saying my early adult life was turbulent, is a slight understatement. I had fun, I broke hearts, and I had mine broke more than enough to compensate.
Music Helped me. I'd always hoped to be a fabulous songwriter, but as I evolved, I realized that path would've just led me to more heartache. I grew up, and so did my way of dealing with my emotions.
Music, sadly, has left my heart. I no longer hear inspiration on the wind.
Instead, I now enjoy peace and quiet..... on a farm with a million kids and animals!
But I still remember where I came from, who I loved, and who loved me. It is to honor their place in making me who I am, that I decided to share the "song" and tell the story of how each "poem" came to be. I hope you enjoy this very private peek into my heart.
Saying my early adult life was turbulent, is a slight understatement. I had fun, I broke hearts, and I had mine broke more than enough to compensate.
Music Helped me. I'd always hoped to be a fabulous songwriter, but as I evolved, I realized that path would've just led me to more heartache. I grew up, and so did my way of dealing with my emotions.
Music, sadly, has left my heart. I no longer hear inspiration on the wind.
Instead, I now enjoy peace and quiet..... on a farm with a million kids and animals!
But I still remember where I came from, who I loved, and who loved me. It is to honor their place in making me who I am, that I decided to share the "song" and tell the story of how each "poem" came to be. I hope you enjoy this very private peek into my heart.
Blurb:
I won’t make any outrageous claims to a troubled past or anything that might excuse my behavior now, or then. I alone, know my demons. I live today with a clear conscience knowing that every step of the journey has been worth it. I do not hold grudges, nor do I apologize to those who do. I regret nothing. I have fought for my happiness; friend and foe, and worse.. myself.
I’ve been afraid of happiness. I’ve been afraid of success. Failing was easy, but it was never an option. I am at peace with myself,
and I am LOVE incarnate.
I’ve loved many, and many have loved me. With the love, others have hated me.
Let them battle their own demons.
In the following pages, I’ve collected the majority of “songs” I’d written years ago. I say songs, only because at the time they came into my head they came through on a melody. I had planned on becoming a songwriter at one time in my life, but that was never my dream. So I never pursued it. Instead, I decided a little while back that I still needed to publish them, but as a reflection of what emotions and powers have shaped me. I added short descriptions to these “poems” when I first started putting them all in one place. This collection is about LOVE, and everything that goes with it.. the searing passionate love, the torturous-I’d-rather-die-love, the despair of never feeling it again-love. And everything in between. Some of the blurbs attached to the poems I chose to keep the same, because they (when originally written) showcased who I was at the time. How I felt, how I saw life. This is after all, a deep look into my own personal journey. And if for no one else’s understanding but mine, I chose to keep them as they were. Others, I either re-wrote them to sound a little less offensive, or I added to them as an update.
I have changed the names of the people I discuss, and some of them I discuss frequently because they were such an influence on my life. I’ve divided this book into “Chapters” named after each of the men who’ve accompanied me in love. Whether they ever felt the same, I do not know, nor do I ever wish to know. Yet another reason to have changed their names.
In closing, yes, I’ve been in love many times. I’ve loved freely, and I’ve never discriminated. I’ve had more than enough outward confidence that I enjoyed sharing myself. And I am not ashamed. Men have notches on their belts… I had notches on my bedposts. And I am not ashamed…. I’ve lived my way, according to my rules and my desires. I can only hope more people can feel and say the same thing when they reflect on their pasts…
To those men that helped me find myself, I am eternally grateful. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my one true Prince.
--Excerpt--
My Daddy
Daddy’s ‘lil girl
© T.B. Cooper
Originally written: 08-17-1998
I’m your baby girl
At least that’s what you told me
When I came into this world
And you knew someday
I’d grow up to spread my wings
And my own eyes would have
To see all of those things
That you told me were wrong
And that you knew best.
I’ve got your intuition
It just kicked in too late
For me to know what I was doing
Would cause you to hate
Daddy’s ‘lil girl
You said I betrayed you
But you betrayed me
“Family will never leave you”
At least that’s what you told me
Said you’d be there forever
Well forever’s almost gone.
But Daddy I’m still here
Waiting for the day when you realize
That I’m my father’s daughter
And I’ve got more than Daddy’s eyes
I’m as stubborn as a bull
Very set in my ways.
You missed my wedding day
You made the choice to push
Instead of give me away
You’re missing your grandkids
A boy and a girl
They’re growing up fast
And they’re my whole world
Wasn’t I once yours
I was Daddy’s girl
Now I’m Daddy’s sad girl
Oh Daddy’s sad ‘lil girl
Now, not really much of a song, per se… I’ve over the years added, edited this song and what not… I’ve lost the original (I think?). This is of course about my Daddy; a few days before I had my first daughter. Last time he cared if I existed was July 23, 1996; before he dropped me off at the hospital to have my half-black son saying he wasn’t the father of a “Ni**er-loving whore.”
I was Daddy’s little girl. He even made a charm for me once that
I was supposed to get when I turned eighteen…. I’m almost
twenty-eight at this moment I’m typing…
Yeah, don’t see that happening.
Really not easy being rejected by a man. Certainly not by your father who you feel is supposed to shelter and protect you... No matter what. I could write more, but, there’s not much left to say……..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is my update.. I am 36 right now, my dad has been gone for six years. Right before he died, my family (including my kids) went to see him at his bedside. It was one of the single most painful moments of my life.
I’d spent fourteen years, not seeing him, not talking to him. Ten of those years I was mostly a single mom. A single mom with three kids, living in the same town, at times-right down the street. I’d gotten used to not having him in my life. I had to make my own way, and this inevitably sent me into the arms of the next newest savior.
Then, right at the end, when his departure from this world and my life for good was unavoidable, I had to lose him all over again. We made peace with each other. He hugged my son. My son, who for fourteen years could’ve learned so much from his grandpa, but he and his sisters were denied because of a foolish man’s pride.
There was no man that had a greater influence on my early adult life besides my Dad. Everything I did was dictated by what was and wasn’t acceptable with him.
“Don’t date black people.”
I have two black kids.
“Blood is thicker than water, but if you disgrace me, I disown you.”
So I left home at fifteen and at times, only had my children for family in my life.
“Women should know their place, they should be subservient to Man.” That was the toughest lesson to unlearn.
I’m grateful for everything, good and bad my father taught me. I miss him terribly. I feel robbed.
I won’t make any outrageous claims to a troubled past or anything that might excuse my behavior now, or then. I alone, know my demons. I live today with a clear conscience knowing that every step of the journey has been worth it. I do not hold grudges, nor do I apologize to those who do. I regret nothing. I have fought for my happiness; friend and foe, and worse.. myself.
I’ve been afraid of happiness. I’ve been afraid of success. Failing was easy, but it was never an option. I am at peace with myself,
and I am LOVE incarnate.
I’ve loved many, and many have loved me. With the love, others have hated me.
Let them battle their own demons.
In the following pages, I’ve collected the majority of “songs” I’d written years ago. I say songs, only because at the time they came into my head they came through on a melody. I had planned on becoming a songwriter at one time in my life, but that was never my dream. So I never pursued it. Instead, I decided a little while back that I still needed to publish them, but as a reflection of what emotions and powers have shaped me. I added short descriptions to these “poems” when I first started putting them all in one place. This collection is about LOVE, and everything that goes with it.. the searing passionate love, the torturous-I’d-rather-die-love, the despair of never feeling it again-love. And everything in between. Some of the blurbs attached to the poems I chose to keep the same, because they (when originally written) showcased who I was at the time. How I felt, how I saw life. This is after all, a deep look into my own personal journey. And if for no one else’s understanding but mine, I chose to keep them as they were. Others, I either re-wrote them to sound a little less offensive, or I added to them as an update.
I have changed the names of the people I discuss, and some of them I discuss frequently because they were such an influence on my life. I’ve divided this book into “Chapters” named after each of the men who’ve accompanied me in love. Whether they ever felt the same, I do not know, nor do I ever wish to know. Yet another reason to have changed their names.
In closing, yes, I’ve been in love many times. I’ve loved freely, and I’ve never discriminated. I’ve had more than enough outward confidence that I enjoyed sharing myself. And I am not ashamed. Men have notches on their belts… I had notches on my bedposts. And I am not ashamed…. I’ve lived my way, according to my rules and my desires. I can only hope more people can feel and say the same thing when they reflect on their pasts…
To those men that helped me find myself, I am eternally grateful. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my one true Prince.
--Excerpt--
My Daddy
Daddy’s ‘lil girl
© T.B. Cooper
Originally written: 08-17-1998
I’m your baby girl
At least that’s what you told me
When I came into this world
And you knew someday
I’d grow up to spread my wings
And my own eyes would have
To see all of those things
That you told me were wrong
And that you knew best.
I’ve got your intuition
It just kicked in too late
For me to know what I was doing
Would cause you to hate
Daddy’s ‘lil girl
You said I betrayed you
But you betrayed me
“Family will never leave you”
At least that’s what you told me
Said you’d be there forever
Well forever’s almost gone.
But Daddy I’m still here
Waiting for the day when you realize
That I’m my father’s daughter
And I’ve got more than Daddy’s eyes
I’m as stubborn as a bull
Very set in my ways.
You missed my wedding day
You made the choice to push
Instead of give me away
You’re missing your grandkids
A boy and a girl
They’re growing up fast
And they’re my whole world
Wasn’t I once yours
I was Daddy’s girl
Now I’m Daddy’s sad girl
Oh Daddy’s sad ‘lil girl
Now, not really much of a song, per se… I’ve over the years added, edited this song and what not… I’ve lost the original (I think?). This is of course about my Daddy; a few days before I had my first daughter. Last time he cared if I existed was July 23, 1996; before he dropped me off at the hospital to have my half-black son saying he wasn’t the father of a “Ni**er-loving whore.”
I was Daddy’s little girl. He even made a charm for me once that
I was supposed to get when I turned eighteen…. I’m almost
twenty-eight at this moment I’m typing…
Yeah, don’t see that happening.
Really not easy being rejected by a man. Certainly not by your father who you feel is supposed to shelter and protect you... No matter what. I could write more, but, there’s not much left to say……..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is my update.. I am 36 right now, my dad has been gone for six years. Right before he died, my family (including my kids) went to see him at his bedside. It was one of the single most painful moments of my life.
I’d spent fourteen years, not seeing him, not talking to him. Ten of those years I was mostly a single mom. A single mom with three kids, living in the same town, at times-right down the street. I’d gotten used to not having him in my life. I had to make my own way, and this inevitably sent me into the arms of the next newest savior.
Then, right at the end, when his departure from this world and my life for good was unavoidable, I had to lose him all over again. We made peace with each other. He hugged my son. My son, who for fourteen years could’ve learned so much from his grandpa, but he and his sisters were denied because of a foolish man’s pride.
There was no man that had a greater influence on my early adult life besides my Dad. Everything I did was dictated by what was and wasn’t acceptable with him.
“Don’t date black people.”
I have two black kids.
“Blood is thicker than water, but if you disgrace me, I disown you.”
So I left home at fifteen and at times, only had my children for family in my life.
“Women should know their place, they should be subservient to Man.” That was the toughest lesson to unlearn.
I’m grateful for everything, good and bad my father taught me. I miss him terribly. I feel robbed.
Available in Paperback on amazon.com $5.49
Or on Kindle, Regular price $2.99 (Free if you buy the paperback)
Or on Kindle, Regular price $2.99 (Free if you buy the paperback)
"Greta and the Last Quill/ Book 1 of The Hollow Mists Series"
Publication Date: October 4th, 2019
YA Fiction, Available in Amazon in Paperback & on Kindle
Publication Date: October 4th, 2019
YA Fiction, Available in Amazon in Paperback & on Kindle
Synopsis
When her Great-Aunt Victoria passes away, Greta finds herself ripped from everything she'd known for 13 years: the house she lived in, the room she slept in, the friends whose company she'd kept.
Within days of the relocation, she meets new friends, finds out secrets about her past, and embarks on an unwanted boat adventure that ends in disaster, placing her in a new uncharted land.
From the moment she arrives in the Hollow Mists, it is clear that Greta's arrival was not by mistake. She is there for a reason she must discover on her own. But it will not be easy: everyone wants her dead, and in the Hollow Mists that means something far more sinister.
Will Greta fulfill her duty and bring balance to a flawed system? Or will she be destroyed before finding out her true purpose?
When her Great-Aunt Victoria passes away, Greta finds herself ripped from everything she'd known for 13 years: the house she lived in, the room she slept in, the friends whose company she'd kept.
Within days of the relocation, she meets new friends, finds out secrets about her past, and embarks on an unwanted boat adventure that ends in disaster, placing her in a new uncharted land.
From the moment she arrives in the Hollow Mists, it is clear that Greta's arrival was not by mistake. She is there for a reason she must discover on her own. But it will not be easy: everyone wants her dead, and in the Hollow Mists that means something far more sinister.
Will Greta fulfill her duty and bring balance to a flawed system? Or will she be destroyed before finding out her true purpose?
"Fun (Un-Verifiable Fact) Story Journal"
Publication Date: June 13, 2021
Doodling Journal, Available in Paperback on Amazon
Publication Date: June 13, 2021
Doodling Journal, Available in Paperback on Amazon
Remember when you were a kid in elementary/primary school and the teacher would give you paper that was half blank & half lined at the bottom so you could tell a story and illustrate it?
Well, ta-freaking-da.
This is it.
Put your ridiculous stories (or useless, un-verifiable facts) in this journal, made just FOR YOU!
You're welcome.
Well, ta-freaking-da.
This is it.
Put your ridiculous stories (or useless, un-verifiable facts) in this journal, made just FOR YOU!
You're welcome.
"Storm Journal"
Publication Date: June 13, 2021
Doodling Journal, Available in Paperback on Amazon
Publication Date: June 13, 2021
Doodling Journal, Available in Paperback on Amazon
For tracking stormy weather; whether it's outside your window or inside your soul... 50 blank pages (with borders) for you to fill!
"Getting to Know Each Other Better: a Workbook for Couples"
Publication Date: June 24, 2021
Couple's Workbook, Available in Paperback on Amazon
Publication Date: June 24, 2021
Couple's Workbook, Available in Paperback on Amazon
*Anything worth having is worth the effort needed to create it*
This workbook is filled with over 200 questions. Questions to help the two of you get to know each other better- all over again. After many years of being married (and/or being a parent) it is natural that we as individuals, lose ourselves & we lose our connection to each other, as well. But that doesn’t have to mean all is lost forever. If even a shred of love remains, new growth can happen and the bond between you two can be repaired and made stronger than ever. It will take TIME & PATIENCE from BOTH OF YOU… AND… most importantly- WORK- diligent, sincere, and compassionate- WORK. HARD WORK.
Note: This book doesn't have to be just for couples whose relationships are on the rocks... Even new couples can benefit from using it.
***DISCLAIMER: I, T.B. Cooper, am NOT any kind of professional counselor (or other professional anything, for that matter) and this workbook warrants NO GUARANTEE of any specified or implied, results. These are JUST QUESTIONS designed to get a bit of dialogue going between two people who still love each other.
This workbook is filled with over 200 questions. Questions to help the two of you get to know each other better- all over again. After many years of being married (and/or being a parent) it is natural that we as individuals, lose ourselves & we lose our connection to each other, as well. But that doesn’t have to mean all is lost forever. If even a shred of love remains, new growth can happen and the bond between you two can be repaired and made stronger than ever. It will take TIME & PATIENCE from BOTH OF YOU… AND… most importantly- WORK- diligent, sincere, and compassionate- WORK. HARD WORK.
Note: This book doesn't have to be just for couples whose relationships are on the rocks... Even new couples can benefit from using it.
***DISCLAIMER: I, T.B. Cooper, am NOT any kind of professional counselor (or other professional anything, for that matter) and this workbook warrants NO GUARANTEE of any specified or implied, results. These are JUST QUESTIONS designed to get a bit of dialogue going between two people who still love each other.
"Weekly Health & Wellness Tracker: with space for tracking (almost) everything!"
Publication Date: July 9, 2021
Weekly Tracker, Available in Paperback on Amazon
Publication Date: July 9, 2021
Weekly Tracker, Available in Paperback on Amazon
A Weekly Health & Wellness Tracker with space for tracking (almost) everything!
What's included:
*52 Weekly Sheets (single-sided) with space for tracking Medicines, Vitamins, Supplements; Bowel Movements; Weight; Water Intake; Food Diary; Exercise; Significant Moments; Moods & more.
*Goals Sheet & Planning
*Weekly Measurements Log
*Quick Calorie in Food Reference Sheet (to fill out)
*Year in Pixels Recap Page
**Weeks start on Sunday and are NOT DATED... you fill in the dates and months whenever you're reday to start.
What's included:
*52 Weekly Sheets (single-sided) with space for tracking Medicines, Vitamins, Supplements; Bowel Movements; Weight; Water Intake; Food Diary; Exercise; Significant Moments; Moods & more.
*Goals Sheet & Planning
*Weekly Measurements Log
*Quick Calorie in Food Reference Sheet (to fill out)
*Year in Pixels Recap Page
**Weeks start on Sunday and are NOT DATED... you fill in the dates and months whenever you're reday to start.
"52 Week Weekly Planner for the Detail-Oriented & (Possibly) Over-Committed Person"
Publication Date: July 11, 2021
Weekly Planner, Available in Paperback on Amazon.
Publication Date: July 11, 2021
Weekly Planner, Available in Paperback on Amazon.
The 52 Week Weekly Planner for the Detail-Oriented & (Possibly) Over-Committed Person contains space for quite a bit!
Included:
*52 (Un-dated, START WHENEVER YOU WANT) Weekly pages with space to list & mark off Daily Tasks; as well as Specific to Each Day Tasks; space for Appointments & Priorities; Water, Blood Pressure, & Weight Tracking; AND Mood Tracking
*Weekly Recaps on back of each Weekly page
*Goal Sheets
*Weekly Measurement Log
*and More!
Included:
*52 (Un-dated, START WHENEVER YOU WANT) Weekly pages with space to list & mark off Daily Tasks; as well as Specific to Each Day Tasks; space for Appointments & Priorities; Water, Blood Pressure, & Weight Tracking; AND Mood Tracking
*Weekly Recaps on back of each Weekly page
*Goal Sheets
*Weekly Measurement Log
*and More!
"I am One with the Force: a contemplative journal"
Publication Date: July 17, 2021
Meditative Star Wars Journal w/prompts, Available in Paperback on Amazon.
Publication Date: July 17, 2021
Meditative Star Wars Journal w/prompts, Available in Paperback on Amazon.
At the beginning of every episode of the animated Star Wars series The Clone Wars, there is a quote that sets the theme for the episode to come (with the exception of the last 4 episodes of Season 7). In the following pages, you will see these quotes, referenced by Season and Episode as such: Season 1/Episode 1 = S1:E1, followed by contemplative prompts inspired by each quote, with space to articulate your thoughts & responses.
Or, you may choose to use this booklet as a way to reflect upon your own observations of the corresponding episodes… Really, the way you use this journal is truly- up to you.
It is my sincere hope that this journal will help you become One with the Force inside of you, inside of all of us, by delving deeper into what penetrates & sustains us.
May the force be with you, always.
Or, you may choose to use this booklet as a way to reflect upon your own observations of the corresponding episodes… Really, the way you use this journal is truly- up to you.
It is my sincere hope that this journal will help you become One with the Force inside of you, inside of all of us, by delving deeper into what penetrates & sustains us.
May the force be with you, always.
"Just Go. Lena's Travel Journal"
Publication Date: August 11, 2021
Travel Journal/Planner, Available in Paperback on Amazon.
Publication Date: August 11, 2021
Travel Journal/Planner, Available in Paperback on Amazon.
This book started out as a simple project for my daughter, who is in the spring of life; full of wonder and awe of the world around her. She wanted something she could use to plan a trip or two (or more), that would be much like a worksheet or a ditto. But, that wasn’t good enough for my baby. Being the person that I am, I wanted to design both a Travel Planner, and a Travel Journal, that encompassed all of (or most of) the many different components found when doing research for this project. So, I started, and every word in this book is meant for her; an American citizen, a woman, my daughter. The words in this book have all been for her. But, because of certain circumstances that forced my hand to ultimately go through with actually publishing it (which I never intended), I now offer it as a base for others to enjoy and embellish with their life’s journeys and spirit, as well…
Unfortunately, due to copyright laws, I couldn’t do this book exactly how I wanted to. Meaning, there are a million beautiful & inspiring memes on Pinterest, that I wanted to include within these pages, but… to publish this through Createspace, I’d be getting a copyright… and I can’t copyright without the owner’s permissions, and there’s just not enough time in the world to do all that.
So, I went with a different approach, to get this printed in time for her 20th birthday (which is now, 3 years ago)… I took all the pictures out, planning that when my hard copy arrives, I will do to it what I originally wanted to in the first place, when I first hatched this idea. I will make a hard cover for it, first. Then, all those beautiful memes I spoke of, I will print them out and paste them into the blank spaces. Finally, I’ll add the finishing touches and turn this into a scrapbook/journal/planner, with pockets and flaps etc.
I've done a blog post with links to the YouTube video for this... you can see the video, here.
Unfortunately, due to copyright laws, I couldn’t do this book exactly how I wanted to. Meaning, there are a million beautiful & inspiring memes on Pinterest, that I wanted to include within these pages, but… to publish this through Createspace, I’d be getting a copyright… and I can’t copyright without the owner’s permissions, and there’s just not enough time in the world to do all that.
So, I went with a different approach, to get this printed in time for her 20th birthday (which is now, 3 years ago)… I took all the pictures out, planning that when my hard copy arrives, I will do to it what I originally wanted to in the first place, when I first hatched this idea. I will make a hard cover for it, first. Then, all those beautiful memes I spoke of, I will print them out and paste them into the blank spaces. Finally, I’ll add the finishing touches and turn this into a scrapbook/journal/planner, with pockets and flaps etc.
I've done a blog post with links to the YouTube video for this... you can see the video, here.
"People & Things, etc. that can Eat Sh*t"
Publication Date: August 21, 2021
Anger Management Journal for reflecting, Available in Paperback on Amazon.
Publication Date: August 21, 2021
Anger Management Journal for reflecting, Available in Paperback on Amazon.
This book has enough room for one year of daily anger journaling, as well as a year of reflecting on the previous year.
What to do with this Journal?
Well, you could use it as kindling or toilet paper, but maybe… just, maybe… you could use it to write down all the stuff that pissed you off/ burnt your biscuits/ got your panties in a bunch, etc., each day.
Why?
Because I thought it was a great idea for me so I’m sharing it with you. Call this my attempt at MY *Anger Management. AND because I think (at least for me) if I get the shit that really made me angry outta my brain and put it onto paper, then I can acknowledge something (or someone) that made me horribly angry/offended me, whatever; while freeing up that space in my mind. And hopefully, I won’t have to dwell on (it).
And, and, also… I added an additional page after each day to basically revisit the stuff that angered me, possibly a year (or more) later down the road because I think reflecting on our former selves & emotions is important. This way, I can reevaluate what was going on at the time, and figure out if maybe I overreacted or it wasn’t a big deal, or maybe I had EVERY RIGHT to be pissed, etc.
Again, this was an idea I had for ME.
*By the way… I am NOT a licensed counselor or psychiatrist, etc. and I offer no guarantee this will help YOU.
But all the same… I hope this helps.
What to do with this Journal?
Well, you could use it as kindling or toilet paper, but maybe… just, maybe… you could use it to write down all the stuff that pissed you off/ burnt your biscuits/ got your panties in a bunch, etc., each day.
Why?
Because I thought it was a great idea for me so I’m sharing it with you. Call this my attempt at MY *Anger Management. AND because I think (at least for me) if I get the shit that really made me angry outta my brain and put it onto paper, then I can acknowledge something (or someone) that made me horribly angry/offended me, whatever; while freeing up that space in my mind. And hopefully, I won’t have to dwell on (it).
And, and, also… I added an additional page after each day to basically revisit the stuff that angered me, possibly a year (or more) later down the road because I think reflecting on our former selves & emotions is important. This way, I can reevaluate what was going on at the time, and figure out if maybe I overreacted or it wasn’t a big deal, or maybe I had EVERY RIGHT to be pissed, etc.
Again, this was an idea I had for ME.
*By the way… I am NOT a licensed counselor or psychiatrist, etc. and I offer no guarantee this will help YOU.
But all the same… I hope this helps.
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