Well, so do I. 

Time has a funny way of changing one's perspective. While going through the HELL of the last 14 months or so, I can't quite remember exactly, each and every emotion that made everything seem so impossible. Right now, as I've tried to be for that whole time, I'm OKAY. I'm stable mentally, yet still exhausted physically. And that's okay.

I've tried numerous times to get on here and write... something... but it never worked out. I'd written a post back in October of last year (in fact, the picture from above is FROM that day), saying everything I'd (still) like to say now, but when I backed out of it to add pictures (I was doing this in the Weebly App on my phone) the ENTIRE/Super-long post was GONE! The only thing the app had saved was my title.
And this really put a bad taste in my mouth, and made me just want to give up completely.

But, I honestly couldn't. This blog, this entire site, is a major part of my dream.

And yet, it's so much more.

I'd visited my site over the past 14 months, to see if people were still interested in my site etc.
And EVERY time I did, I was shocked to see that people WERE still visiting. 
​
Below is the actual screenshot I took, January 1st of this year.
145,167 page views may NOT be a lot to most bloggers, but for me, not having blogged in a solid year...
this was & IS AMAZING!

Like, honestly... what the HELL?

I have seriously tried (more than 6 times) to post to this blog over the past 14+ months or so, but EVERY SINGLE TIME I've attempted to get the time to post anything either I get interrupted, or the draft doesn't get saved when I try to upload corresponding pictures, or I am too tired after my 18-20 hour day to even look at my computer screen, or I can't even find my computer desk under the piles of unopened mail/un-filed papers/ folded laundry etc....

..... yeah, see, I started this at 5:30 pm & it is now 7:39 pm... interruptions...

when did it all become so complicated?

I think it has everything to do with the stage in life that I'm at. I mean, maybe. I'm 38. Three of my four kids are adults, with the youngest not far behind. So that entails them ready to spread their wings, but needing that extra guidance into adulthood. My husband is 43, and has discovered more grays than he's ready for (the house is 90% female occupied). Our parents are aging and so are we. We already have one grandbaby, who is almost 7... add in the family extensions and the farm... yeah, that's probably enough to do anyone in & cause a mental breakdown.

Then compound matters with yearly & semi-yearly/or monthly, unexpected WTFs and I'm surprised anyone can survive...
.......
........
.......
​
okay. Interruption #what number, now?

F*@k it. I'm done. Goodnight!

I'll try again tomorrow.

Okay, so first off.... this isn't the post where I explain where the Hell I've been for more than a year... that'll come later.

This also isn't the post where I catch up for work I haven't got done, like reviews/recipes/and Meal Plans... sorry!

But, this is the post where I say Hi, and I've been doing things, and here they are...

#1 If you haven't seen yet the page I created just for my Mom & her awesome amazingness...
​be sure to check it out, by clicking below on her lovely picture.

#2 I am now on Instagram and Tumblr

#3 I've added two more pages to this site. Both are NOT for everyone. While I won't necessarily say "viewer discretion is advised",
I WILL say that there are probably some out there that wouldn't agree with what I CHOOSE to put on them.

The first one is called hipOrcriticalview and I've basically linked it to my secondary Tumblr account, which is where I've started writing thoughts from my darker side... my cynical side... my diplomatic and Devil's Advocate side. This account is part diary & journal, and part collective writing platform, for the thoughts and ideas I want to share... but don't want to wait 20 years before I've gathered them and polished them to publish them as a Grand & Epic thesis on Human Nature, etc.

The second one is my ARTIST page, and I'm actually quite excited about sharing it with you, although I'm sure there will be MANY who will feel offended. And honestly, I've spent my entire life, living for everyone else, making everyone else happy, and still most people don't quite understand me... and that's fine. I'm just tired of not doing what makes ME HAPPY. Blogging about anything and everything, two years ago, made ME HAPPY. Well, I DESERVE to be HAPPY. PERIOD.

​So, anyway... check those pages out if you're curious about a few of the different sides of "me".

So, I know it's totally NOT the first, nor is it still December where it would be acceptable that I am JUST NOW putting this up...

BUT...

There's always a BUT(t) where I'm involved (it's a big ASS joke, for those of you that didn't get it or don't know about my large derrière) LOL.

With being sick (still) and New Year's being on the 1st, and family not having left until yesterday, and cleaning/putting Christmas away...

Well, I just kinda didn't even want to think about shopping (or cooking). But now, I am just about out of all of my meal preps/pre-makes, and so tomorrow morning--pretty damn early because I don't even have stuff to make the hubby lunch (who-thankfully-is going back to work finally!)-- I will be going grocery shopping and then spending the next two to three days Meal Prepping and filling the freezers etc.

So, as you can see from the following calendars, I did originally "plan" for the 1st and the 2nd, but then I lined through them because--
I'm freaking tired! Like, damn... I am TIRED. I am tired of cooking. I am tired of cleaning... Remember, I said I 'spring clean' in the winter?
Yeah, I'm still not anywhere near done, but--Winter is nowhere near over, either.

Thank goodness!!

Yet, I am FULL of renewed energy and excitement for the NEW YEAR.

I have SO MUCH planned... 

But that is for another post.

Well... Christmas is over (yay!), and I am not ashamed to admit that I couldn't wait for it to be done.
​This was probably the worst Holiday season I've experienced in a while.

But is that me complaining? No.

​Because reflection and understanding are better than hindsight and regrets.

Oh yeah, I'm tweeting that one... #Reflection and Understanding are better than Hindsight and Regrets. 

Yeah. I did. I fell off the wagon--sort of. My daughter will probably kill me after reading this (if she does). Am I 'smoking' again? No. I quit cold turkey before, I can quit again. Plus, I'm trying to get pregnant next year... Okay, I know what you're thinking... wtf?!! Don't you have enough family members? Yes, but my children are biologically not my husband's. And we've spent the last ten years of marriage with my tubes tied, working on all of those adult issues like family problems, alcoholism, house-buying, DUI, teenagers, budgets, death, parent/child role-reversal... etc. There wasn't time or money (to get the tubes reversed) to have another kid.

It hasn't been easy, and that's saying it nicely. I'm bipolar with all my other issues, and my husband battles depression and an addictive personality (he is the recovering alcoholic). And yet, through it all, we have given 'our' kids a healthy home to grow up in. In ten years they have only heard us fight/loud argue two, maybe three times. When they talk about their future relationships, they describe a desire to have what my husband and I share (as do most of my family members and single friends). They understand that things will not always be rainbows and sunshine, but that you work through it and respect each other, and always be loving and affectionate, as well as sarcastic and able to take a joke. 

Cussing and bad words are allowed in my house. I, for one, cuss like a sailor. Of course, they can't cuss when they are young and inexperienced, like if they haven't lived through some sh*t. My son cusses worse than I do, but he remembers a time when it was just him, me and his sister, and we were homeless living in a car. So yes, he may cuss. Thankfully it's mostly when he is on his Xbox. Hearing him scream like a bitch when he loses is quite comical... just saying.

Anyway. I know I'm rambling. I guess I'm just thrilled to be able to finally sit at my desk again. Plus, seeing that once again, this month more than 8,000 of you have stopped by to see 'me,' makes me happy. This blogging has thoroughly become part of my 'oxygen' that I need. It has become a habit. Yes, I suppose I do need a habit. And I think blogging is far more healthier than smoking, wouldn't you agree?

So with the reflection and understanding, I accept that this is just the ebb and flow of things. I've taken on a great deal of tasks that in and of each individual one, are stressful. I chose this life, and I wouldn't change a thing. I'm living how I choose to. I'm building strong and caring people, and I'm chasing my dreams in front of my kids, living as an example of how to make your goals, realities... I'm letting them see that a dream is good, but the hard work that leads to the payoff makes the reward that much better.

Lazy doesn't exist in my household.