Yesterday, the 22nd of March, I was supposed to launch my new product line. Prior to that, I was supposed to give sneak peeks of what (it) is and make 2 commercials, as well.

Obviously, none of that happened.

Writing this now, both hurts, and feels like a bit of a relief, all at the same time. It hurts, because I really, REALLY HATE admiting a failure, to myself, let alone... to the WORLD.

I WILL NOT put on some air of calling myself 'brave'. 
I will NOT make a bunch of excuses for my inaction and inability to accomplish this goal. ​I WILL however, explain as truthfully as I can, WHY I "failed".

So... What were some hurdles I faced that kept me from releasing "on time"?

​Well, it all starts with having had no rest. Every so many years, we live through cycles... I'm sure you've heard lots of people talk about these cycles, or 'seasons' of our lives. Well, at the end of last year, 2018, a terribly rough cycle in my life finally came to an end. The best way I could describe it, is that by the end of the year, I'd finally hit the bottom of the lowest valley I'd ever had to travel through. Leading up to that moment, I was hurtling fast towards an end that wasn't going to be pretty. I was going to DIE. I wanted to die. Because of the unimaginable pain that I was carrying after years of disappointments and betrayals and strings of misfortune, everything just looked about as dismal and bleak as it could be.

The ONLY thing that kept me going was my absolute FIRM BELIEF that there is a definite balance in life... a law of balance that says that there is an equal amount of 'good' and 'bad' in everything. In every event lived through there are lessons to be learned. And that no matter how 'bad' or 'good' something is, once you've traversed through it, the opposite end will transpire. Meaning, that if I was living through an unbearable HELL, then, what awaited me on the other side was an absolute paradise of happiness and pleasure and abundance.

So, I kept telling myself I'd get through it, and that once I'd hit rock bottom, I could then enjoy rising back up, and be better for the experience. That was a HUGE PILL TO SWALLOW. I constantly felt I was feeding myself a world of bullshit. But, this has ALWAYS been my belief. It's what I've seen, it's what I've experienced, and now that I've lived through yet another round of Hell and rebirth, I still believe that when people say, "this too, shall pass," it is a TRUTH.

BUT, what I didn't allow myself, was to actually rest and repair myself. I've never stopped being busy. Where I had been busy keeping it together, now I was busy building it back up, but on top of a very thin and frail foundation.

Running full speed towards the bottom of a ravine, all I could see was darkness; but I knew that somewhere right above me, just out of view, was a beautiful light I'd eventually see again if I would just turn around. Well, now, I AM turned around and looking up, but it took me seven years to spiral out of sanity, so logically, it ain't gonna take a mere moment for me to climb back to the top... And NOT RESTING and recovering, is kinda stupid.

Speaking of "seasons", I've noticed as I've looked back and reflected on the years passed, that February and March are ALWAYS my hardest months. January I'm always so full of life and energy and ambition, then seasonal colds and flus happen which usually puts a bunch of stuff on hold... or it's rainy and wet and we can't do the things we need to do... or someone (everyone) in the house is feeling the effects of the "winter blues"... add in tax season and thoughts of things to resolve... in a family as large and grown as mine, it's kinda hard to get through, and all of that combined brings me deep into a suffocating depression.

Now, I don't personally like Spring and Summer, I'm more of a Fall & Winter person myself... but that's not who I live with. So when I'm like, "It's too fucking hot to do shit in the Summer, let's get our farm projects outta the way in the Fall & Winter when it's kinda nice to be out there," everyone else is like... no??? Um... yeah, so that tends to piss me off.

Ya know, we moved into this place back in 2011. That year itself was a close to another cycle. The year prior we'd buried ten family members which resulted in my mom moving in with us, and me(us) eventually gaining a daughter and a grandchild. After buying this place, my husband got laid off and I quit a job that was killing me. Then we were living dirt poor as we only had my mom's social security coming in. But, it was enough to pay the bills and we enjoyed the prospect of living our intended dream of "living off the land". The first two years were for the most part, great. Our kids were all still youngish, we had these great, romantic, aspirations of how our farm could be... then, a type of unending evil entered our lives, one that would continue to foster so much heartache and pain and resentment that our family almost fell apart.

Almost.

It wasn't just one thing, it was many... over and over again, and there was never any time to just breathe and recover before the next issue would come up. And the process would repeat, repeatedly... To say we were all tired and broken, is an understatement, and that's putting it lightly. BUT... we got through it. We are all in a good place now. Like I've said in a few of my posts on Instagram, Facebook and my podcast, things are better and the worst is over. Yes, there'll still be challenges I'm sure, but the collective energy has been shifted into one of optimism & happy excitement. We've gotten rid of so much bullshit and thrown away the things in life we don't need, on a spiritual & emotional level...

So, why didn't I launch yesterday?

Because some habits are hard to break. When I say that I need to be left alone, I am still a mom, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend, a Spiritual coach & advisor, a farmer... And where I'd love to stick to my resolve and tell everyone to, "fuck off and leave me alone, I'm working, here!" I still have the position of being needed in some form or another. I have loosened my reins, so-to-speak, the ones where I have to be micromanaging everything, and so my kids that are older now don't "need" me (as much), and many decisions and tasks can be done on the farm that I don't have to oversee (as much), but I'm still exhausted. I have yet to rest.

When I decided to launch my products, I wanted to do a Spring launch in time for the Spring Equinox, because... why not? It sounded good, but I was not, am not, ready. I wanted to have plenty of product ready to sell when orders started to come in, since it is a handmade item and takes some time to produce. I wanted to have a commercial (or two) filmed and ready to air because just pictures of the product would NOT do the product justice. I also needed to have a bank account to accept payments and apparently a prepaid debit card isn't sufficient, and I haven't had a bank account since I quit my job in 2011... that part I only just found out, and is a somewhat easy fix.

But I also needed to get my product patented prior to sale, and honestly... I have NO FUCKING CLUE how to do, and no desire to learn how to do it. It's one of those things I'd rather pay an experienced lawyer to do. I've spent the last 7 years doing legal paperwork shit and fighting legal battles that I'm so done with that shit for a while. But, lawyers cost money, and I was hoping we'd have that money by now via a small settlement we were expecting, but apparently having settled a case doesn't mean shit timewise and we are still waiting... So, I decided in the meantime, that I'd do a Provisional Patent application. That would give me a year to either find a lawyer to complete it or finally bite the bullet myself and just suck it up and just do it.

But, I haven't even done that because to be honest, the thought of doing it and doing something wrong, makes me sick. I've chewed my nails to the skin just trying to stay distracted from the stress. And yes, a part of me HAS avoided taking the leap and just launching and doing everything I needed to to launch, by either trying to sleep or smoking way too many cigarettes when I am simply done with being interrupted by somebody or something, religiously, like, every 7 minutes, every. single. day.

They say that when you are on the right path, everything will get in your way to try and deter you from succeeding. This has been true every single fucking step of the way in my life whenever I have attempted to do WHAT I LOVE... blogging, writing, farming, milking my sheep, making my products... even homeschooling. In fact, the ONLY two things that I LOVE doing, that I have NEVER been kept from doing were/are parenting my children and countless others AND ANY KIND of spiritual work/coaching/advising etc....

Maybe it was, or is, because me launching a product and all of the other shit & then some, wasn't ever a matter of life or death. Like, I wouldn't PHYSICALLY die if I didn't blog or publish a book, ya know what I mean?... But I DO die, inside. Every TIME, little by little. My resolve, my strength, my belief in me, dies. That inner part of me (her name is Tania, btw), just screams at me that I've once again, made a promise to her that I never intended on keeping and the disappointment that I feel is truly lethal.

But, I do have a motto, "If I can be a Happy Bitch, then so can you."

And that's my motto for a reason. I tell Tania when she is angry with me, that our life will begin when it is time, to just be patient. Like wanting to have another kid, it wasn't the right time, hasn't yet been. We'd have to pay a few thousand dollars to get my tubes untied and with everything we've been through, having a baby through all of that, now, in hindsight, is frightening. I'm GLAD we didn't do it yet. And I do say, yet. Sure, I'll be 40 this year, and I am just now finally in a position to eek out a bit of "me time" here and there to where I can build a career and whatever, and a baby is just kind of a crazy & insane idea to add to an already full life. So, that little guy will have to wait just a bit longer to arrive, if ever.

I spent the first ten years of our marriage wanting to have a baby with my husband, while he was still an alcoholic (he's been sober since August) and we had all these other troubles bombarding us from every angle, and he was NEVER as excited about the idea as I was. Now that he is sober and realizes that we have a wonderful life, now HE WANTS A BABY??? Homie, you gonna have to wait. I myself, did my waiting... in Azkaban. 12 Years of it. Truly.

So, all of this leads me to yet another reason why I feel that I shouldn't beat myself up about not launching yesterday... There's still more involved; more to the story...

I'd mapped out this year at the tail end of last year, as far as what I wanted to get done, in a somewhat reasonable timeframe. I'd launch my first phase of products in March, the 2nd phase in June, and two seasonal short lines in September and November. Plus, I'd publish (finally) Book 1 of The Breeding Program on October 8th, a Tuesday, because books release on Tuesday and it's the day after my birthday, so why not? right?

*That BTW has changed recently as I have been pulled instead, to finish Book 1 of The Hollow Mists Series, release date WILL be October 1st of this year, since it is actually a few days after my MC's birthday and coincides with the Inciting Event date in the story... Plus, I finally listened to the strong call I had to get back to that story and realized I only had 6 chapters left to finish it! Which is COMPLETELY doable by August, in time to have some Beta readers look it over and then finish editing it, etc. in time for its release date... Any takers for ARCs??

I'd finally publish Book 3 of my Spotted Bag Series (under the pen name of Dirty Foot Butterscotch), in September, as well as maybe a Nonfiction book or two about my Spiritual journey & the work that I've done with others and what not... I'd also fire back up the Tentaglian Empire series/newsletter. And ALL of this sounded completely reasonable. That is, if you live on Centaurian time where there are 37 hours in a day... So, maybe I planned too much?

In all honesty, this was a MUCH SMALLER LIST of shit to get done than I'd originally had. I revised that list probably 18+ times; shaving it down to what I really felt was simply just "not enough". But that's because I can finally see the light again! And my optimism is brilliantly energizing. I'm fucking happy every day. Well, except this current month. I do the "Year in Pixels" thing, and like, January & February were all mostly Pink (Amazing, Fantastic Day), where as March has had fewer than 5 of those. The rest have been every shade of Depressed, Angry, Exhausted, and my favorite, "Fuck it All" days... And why? Because I wasn't "just going with the flow".

​I was resisting the fact that everything was telling me and showing me that I would accomplish what I'd set out to do, but that I shouldn't rush it, even though I'm Russian, lol (sorry, couldn't resist the pun). I kept fighting it and making myself believe the lie that if I DIDN'T launch on the 22nd of March, then I'd be a failure and I'd NEVER do it or anything great, like, ever. So, I gained 20 pounds, in the last 35 days... stressing and literally killing myself because every door that I tried to pry open to reach my goals was locked or stuck. That's insane. That's not healthy. I started hating my family again... hating my husband... hating ME... And why? Because I was too blinded and exhausted to see that something SO BIG needed a little bit more time to grow than I was giving it.

So, I'll launch in June, in time for the Summer Solstice, both parts of my product line. I know, I'm being kinda vague about WHAT my product actually IS... But, anyway, there is a phase one and a phase two. At least, that's how I'd planned it, but the more I think about it, it doesn't make any sense to do it that way. Obviously, when I FINALLY reveal what exactly it is I've made, it'll make sense to everyone else, but what I can say is that it would be the equivalent to Salt with no Pepper, or Peanut Butter with no Jelly, if I actually had launched Phase 1 without the corresponding, Phase 2 to go with it.

So, that's what I'm doing. And June gives me that much more time to reallign with my goals now that I know there was a reason for my  perceived 'failure'. And funny thing is, on the radio, on Thursday as I was deciding all of this, I heard the name of a Patent Lawyer whose name just so happens to contain the name of part of my products. Coincidence? I think not.

I'm sorry if I have disappointed any of you, believe me, I'm hard on myself enough, for it. But, I had to be completely honest. It wasn't for a lack of trying, and I CERTAINLY haven't been lazy or idle. Only my product line and my new podcasting series has suffered, oh yeah and, my health, too, right? I have been active on the farm (we did finally get cows!), I'm still active with mentoring a handful of people, in their spiritual paths, my family has fallen back in love with each other, my house is clean and organized... and that's just a small part of the bigger picture... I'm still going forward, I'm still gonna have an amazing year, and the 20% discount code I posted to Instagram will STILL APPLY, for anyone that has been following. Besides, in 2016, when I took the leap and started blogging and writing, April through Spetember were my BEST months... that's because it was too FUCKING HOT to do anything outside, duh?? So I wrote and I typed, and then by November my life went to hell as we went from 9 people to 15 and I had to give up my space. Now, however, I have an office with a door that I can lock, and my garage is a great workshop space. Plus, emotionally & spiritually, I AM STABLE. And, I AM HAPPY. 

So here's to making progress and accepting the smaller defeats on the way to success. I hope all is well with you and I'm still as excited as ever to share what I've been working on!

​Stay tuned...?

​Btw, I really went kinda buckwild with the GIFs. I had fun! :D

I'm going to make this post short & sweet.

First, let me tell you that we now have a total of 9 Lambs, so far! You can see all of them by visiting my Instagram (use the link at the top of this post). Our two newest arrivals are pictured above. The white one is a girl & she is as big as the lambs we have that are 2 weeks old already! Her brother, the little black one, is normal lamb size, but next to her he looks like a runt! Lol.

Next, I have the next episode of my podcast available! In this episode, I talk about some of the struggles I've gone through in the time since January of 2016, when I first started being social & started this blog/website. Basically, I touch on some of the reasons I've in essence been MIA; some reasons that I've already shared... some that I haven't spoken about until now...

You can hear the podcast by clicking the link below, or do a search in your favorite podcast app for "The HiporCritical View"

And finally... I've finished another P*ssy Painting! This one is called "Pulsations". When I started it, sometime last year,
​I was singing "The Fight Song" in my head. I was thinking about the ripples we create, and the effects of our decisions, etc.
I'm quite pleased with how this one came out. What do you think? 

You can check out more of my Artwork, here.

And that's it!
*See? Short & sweet & to the point... for once!

So... seriously... honestly, truly... I hope...
No.
​Not "I hope"...

No, let me start over...

My INTENTION is... to be more consistent with the content publishing for this blog, this website. My intention is... to prove to YOU, my adored & appreciated reader, that I have TRULY gone through HELL; and having survived, I've come out... joyfully swinging buckets of cool water on the way out to quench your thirst for something more in life.

I am a true believer in leading by example. I practice what I preach. Integrity & Accountability are like, Top- TOP Values in the grand scope of everything I teach my kids and really everybody else that comes to me for any kind of help or guidance. I believe in "you get what you put in/reap what you sow"... I believe in the Law of Attraction, as far as the "manifesting your destiny", etc.  I am TRULY a giant pail of fucking sunshine with a great, cheery, dispo-fucking-sition... so
​WHERE THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN????

Oh. My. Gosh. The world that I was living in... to describe all of it will take many, many posts to explain. And although I've posted posts similar to this... ya know, saying stuff like, "I've changed!... I'm ALL better!... Really!!... Believe me this time!"... but honestly... I know, in my heart & soul, that this... THIS is different. I wrote (not typed, I actually typed it today) this "post" on January 13th, a Sunday, KNOWING I wouldn't be posting/sharing it until March 9th (at least that was my intention at first, but obviously... I couldn't wait). This was pretty much part of my plan to work ahead of myself so I'd have a bit of a headstart once shit started getting crazy like I know it will be- really soon. Incidently, the day I'd planned to schedule this post to post/share, was/is my dad's birthday. He would've been 78 this year. Now,  I'm hoping you might've already figured out from other posts just what kind of dad I had... but if you don't know, just know that he had a BIG part in making me who I am, influencing my perspective of life, giving me his genius and his demons...
He also (quite conveniently for my psychosis) raised me to believe I was some kind of Golden Child...

actually... I WAS... THE Golden Child, and I had a FANTASTIC DESTINY to pursue.

I've had my doubts along the way.

I really shouldn't have.

In thirteen days past the 9th of March (so, to be clear... the 22nd), I will be launching my new product line that I am like, SUPER EXCITED about and have been working my ass off to create.

No... I can't tell you what it is, yet. 

But, I CAN tell you that it's something brilliant, and right in line with my "I don't give a f*ck about what others think, this shit is funny and makes me happy, so Ima share it with everyone" attitude.

PLUS, it's handmade and IT IS QUALITY... I certainly wouldn't sell anything less.

I know I'm doing some rambling... it seems to be happening a lot now whenever I open my mouth... I just have Sooo MUCH TO SAY. But, I'm not gonna put it all here, right now. I've in essence, been "gone" for 2 years.
TWO WHOLE FUCKING YEARS!
​Yes, I have given little updates and shit here & there, but still... I want you all to know that I have been on this AMAZING journey of Self-Growth & Rebirth that I TOTALLY want & NEED to share all the juicy, insightful,
& beyond painful, details.

That's why I am pretty damn happy to make this announcement: I started a podcast.

I STARTED A FREAKING PODCAST!!! eek!

Okay, so what had happened was... I've been mulling this idea over for a while now. But, I'd been so scared and nervous about what I'd say and how I'd be received etc. and so forth.
Then, about the 2nd week of this month, I just kinda said, "F*ck it", and just started recording.
I'm up to 3 recordings now!
A while back, I'd mentioned that over on Tumblr I have a separate blog called
"HiporCritical View".
I've even added a page to this site that has a feed from that Tumblr page.

And basically, I'd started (it/them) just so I could post my varying and conflicting viewpoints on like, a million different ideas.

So...

This idea has evolved into this podcast now; because there are just too many ideas and thoughts and viewpoints on issues that I just really need to get them off of my chest faster than I could ever write or type.

So... If you are interested in hearing my beautiful melodic voice
(more like breathy, sniffly, sinusy congestedy, smoker's raspy-ness-ish type- voice)...
and would like to just come along with me on the ride of my Precariously Balanced Life,
while I sort out some things and also do some explaining about where I been/ how I've grown...
​and everything I've had to go through/how I did it... etc. etc. etc. .....

then, click below, or go to the Anchor/FM App  (or most other Podcasting platforms like Spotify)
and search "The HiporCritical View"

Anyways... that's it for now. I'm still SO OVERJOYED & OVERWHELMED by all of the continued love and support I've received through all of the Social Media outlets and Especially this blog/website... seeing that even in my somewhat absence my words & efforts are still reaching folks... that just really means the world to me & has helped to bring me full circle.
So, THANK YOU.

*P.S. if there's anything that I was supposed to get done, that maybe I never did or whatever... or if you just feel like asking a question... click here to holler at me!

***So, this isn't my finished/polished version... I just kind of copied and pasted it from an Excel Sheet I did about a week ago and hung on my fridge for all to see. I felt these were important enough to maybe share.

As I said, not complete, probably also got some spelling errors in there, too. But, in light of the kind of work I have been doing lately, I felt the need to post this now, before I eventually get around to putting it up on my blog.... which I decided I'd instead just put it up anyway after pasting this on Facebook page two days ago.

I'm sure I'll come back to this and add more, but here is what I've got, so far...

Eh-hem, I present to you...

Keys to a Successful Relationship:😏😍💕💞

#1 Hygiene
Bathe Often & Brush your Teeth... EVERY. DAY.
Nobody wants to share their bed with a stinky body…
No SHOWER= NO LOVIN'

#2 Help out
It is NOT one person's job to take care of the domestic duties. Help clean after yourself. Put your laundry away. Ask if there's anything you can help with. NEVER ASSUME your partner had an easy day and doesn't deserve to rest, but ALSO, if you're done with work, and they're not... help. HELP so they too, can relax with you.

#3 Pay Attention to Them
Even if what they're speaking about doesn't interest you, they still need to be able to speak these thoughts, with someone. That's the point of having a partner… to SHARE our experiences. Pay attention, actively listen, care about what they're saying because THEY care enough to share it with you.

#4 NEVER put your pedestal higher than theirs
A relationship is a PARTNERSHIP… Meaning, you BOTH are EQUAL. This does NOT mean you are both equal AT THE SAME TIME… Sometimes, one of us is ahead, while the other is behind & vice versa. This doesn't mean that if you're the one ahead, it's okay to kick the other while they're down or when they're still learning. Each one of us has lived a separate life before we merged together to become a unit. We each learn differently and at different paces. Each one of our experiences has shaped us into who we are-- RIGHT NOW. We can continue to grow into better people when the ones closest to us exercise patience for the times that we need that little bit more time. Our growth and determination/desire to grow ends when we are not rewarded with a kind and loving heart to welcome us when we cross each threshold towards achieving our goals.

#5 NEVER, NEVER, NEVER… LIE
Don't lie to your Partner.
Don't LIE to YOURSELF.
Just. Don't. LIE.
PERIOD.

#6 BE ACCOUNTABLE for YOUR ACTIONS
Learn to say, "I'm SORRY", and how to ACTUALLY--- MEAN IT. My favorite example has always been: If you throw a glass on the floor & it breaks and you tell the glass, "I'm sorry," does the glass magically get put back together? NO, it doesn't. Sorry doesn't fix the problem, but acknowledging your part in 'it' helps, and realizing what you can do differently to not make the same mistake again, is where an apology actually becomes valid. It's the acknowledgment of our shortcomings and the acknowledgment of our partner's feelings as valid that makes this lesson the hardest to comprehend, but the simplest to fix. Learn to accept your part if their feelings getting hurt. Learn to understand that an argument DOESN'T mean they don't love you, they're just upset. Feelings and emotions happen. Misunderstandings... HAPPEN. Discussing these things WITHOUT being defensive... is the ONLY way FORWARD.

#7 Be AFFECTIONATE, OFTEN
***(Do See Rule #1 at the top, 1st)***
Intimacy is important. Hugs are LITERALLY Life-savers. The amount of oxytocin our brain produces after a “hug” (eh-hem, other interactions), is crucial to our happiness and survival. The oxytocin is responsible for feelings of attachment and wanting to be with the person responsible for those “feelings”... add this neurotransmitter to the chemical soup of others like it that are created when we are intimate on many different and varying levels, and suddenly communicating with each other AS A COUPLE, is MUCH easier... and communicating with the rest of the world??... better than if we had to go it alone; SIMPLY BECAUSE of the calming effect this combination has... It gives us the much-needed patience & tolerance we NEED, plus we instantly have clarity in our lives. The Euphoric after effects of these intimate moments filters into EVERY other aspect of our lives.

#8 Do NOT expect your partner to do for you, that which you do NOT do for them
If you're fortunate enough that someone considers spending their life with you, remember: It's a two-way street. You get what you put in. If you are NOT following all of the (pretty basic) "rules" listed above, then don't expect your partner to do any differently. PERIOD. If you're an ASSHOLE/BITCH, who doesn't help out, listen, or just plain give a damn about the other person's well-being/needs/wants... AND you STINK...??? then, I'm sorry, you don't DESERVE the one you're with, let alone, a RELATIONSHIP. Relationships are just like a species... if it doesn't evolve, then it dies out. For a relationship to grow, the people within the union must ALSO GROW... together and as the separate individuals, they were BEFORE becoming a couple.

#9 Consider your actions... BEFORE you enact them
You're NOT the ONLY one in this world, NOR are you the only one in this family/house. What you do today or tomorrow, can & WILL AFFECT the lives of those you live with and interact with. If you leave after causing damage, the rest of us are still left behind to pick up the pieces of a broken heart/home... and to rebuild... which, btw... is just a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SHITTY & SELFISH thing to do. No Exceptions.

#10 Let NO ONE but YOU & YOUR PARTNER, decide your relationship
Not your family, Not your friends… NOT GOD/Whomever you do or don't worship… and MOST DEFINITELY, NOT ME. This is YOUR life... BUT, because you chose to share it with "someone" it is also "their" life, too. MEANING: When you enter into a relationship, you now SHARE your life with another human being who is every bit as important to this world and this life, as you are. You CAN have separate lives, things you do separately... separate wants & desires... that's all OKAY. BUT, choices made, concerning the relationship itself, are NOT for one person to make. It's called a "Partnership" for a reason. Consider that BEFORE deciding their fate when you choose to change yours, without them.
(Quick disclaimer, here... this doesn't apply to someone wanting to leave an abusive relationship)

#10.1 ALSO, if a child (or children) are in the picture...
Your wants & desires mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING; your dreams are on hold until that kid can take care of themselves, or at a bare minimum are old enough to be placed in trusted/competent care and/or they've learned to speak when necessary while you are away at school/work/ whatever pursuing your dreams... Being a PARENT, in a RELATIONSHIP... means your CHILD is NUMBER #1, then making sure you're showing support for your partner and are maintaining the relationship "rules" on your end, ALWAYS in front of said child (lead by example)... and then YOU and any extracurricular activities that would otherwise take away in a negative fashion from your child and/or relationship. You make sure your kid is happy and being raised in a healthy environment. You treat your partner with love & respect so they can find their own happiness, and concurrently... you DO NOT EXPECT ANYONE to be RESPONSIBLE for YOUR HAPPINESS. If you do what you should, as a DECENT HUMAN BEING, then you'll reap what you sow… Give love, and you'll receive ten times as much LOVE, in return. BE SELFISH: GET SHITTED ON... ALWAYS
(Another little disclaimer here... there is LITERALLY so much more to this 10.1 section that I could add, but that'll take some chapters... in other words, it a'int gonna be posted here!)

#11 DO NOT ASSUME this list DOES NOT APPLY to YOU. WE CAN ALL DO BETTER & BE BETTER… even ME.

#12 Learn to lay your ego aside. Laying down your life for another is, easy. Laying aside your ego is not. You can be right, or you can be happy. Ask yourself is this going to affect my life in 5 years. Chances are, nope. Then it's not important enough to fight over, to be right over. Lay it aside. (This one's from Leise Moffatt, great addition, thank you😊❤)

*These "RULES" CAN & DO apply to EVERY relationship, as well. These are really just basic human decency points to keep in mind when interacting with ANYONE. PERIOD. (Except rule #7, HUGS ONLY for other close relationships, m'kay? Let's not be weird)*

*There are definitely a million more to add, but these are a GREAT starting point*

It's been 8 years now since he's been gone...
I'm still working through the pain...


--Excerpt--
My Daddy

Daddy’s ‘lil girl
© T.B. Cooper
Originally written: 08-17-1998
I’m your baby girl
At least that’s what you told me
When I came into this world
And you knew someday
I’d grow up to spread my wings
And my own eyes would have
To see all of those things
That you told me were wrong
And that you knew best.
I’ve got your intuition
It just kicked in too late
For me to know what I was doing
Would cause you to hate
Daddy’s ‘lil girl
You said I betrayed you
But you betrayed me
“Family will never leave you”
At least that’s what you told me
Said you’d be there forever
Well forever’s almost gone.
But Daddy I’m still here
Waiting for the day when you realize
That I’m my father’s daughter
And I’ve got more than Daddy’s eyes
I’m as stubborn as a bull
Very set in my ways.
You missed my wedding day
You made the choice to push
Instead of give me away
You’re missing your grandkids
A boy and a girl
They’re growing up fast
And they’re my whole world
Wasn’t I once yours
I was Daddy’s girl
Now I’m Daddy’s sad girl
Oh Daddy’s sad ‘lil girl


Now, not really much of a song, per se… I’ve over the years added, edited this song and what not… I’ve lost the original (I think?). This is of course about my Daddy; a few days before I had my first daughter. Last time he cared if I existed was July 23, 1996; before he dropped me off at the hospital to have my half-black son saying he wasn’t the father of a “Ni**er-loving whore.”

I was Daddy’s little girl. He even made a charm for me once that
I was supposed to get when I turned eighteen…. I’m almost
twenty-eight at this moment I’m typing…
Yeah, don’t see that happening.

Really not easy being rejected by a man. Certainly not by your father who you feel is supposed to shelter and protect you... No matter what. I could write more, but, there’s not much left to say……..
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This is my update.. I am 36 right now, my dad has been gone for six years. Right before he died, my family (including my kids) went to see him at his bedside. It was one of the single most painful moments of my life.

I’d spent fourteen years, not seeing him, not talking to him. Ten of those years I was mostly a single mom. A single mom with three kids, living in the same town, at times-right down the street. I’d gotten used to not having him in my life. I had to make my own way, and this inevitably sent me into the arms of the next newest savior.

Then, right at the end, when his departure from this world and my life for good was unavoidable, I had to lose him all over again. We made peace with each other. He hugged my son. My son, who for fourteen years could’ve learned so much from his grandpa, but he and his sisters were denied because of a foolish man’s pride.
There was no man that had a greater influence on my early adult life besides my Dad. Everything I did was dictated by what was and wasn’t acceptable with him.

“Don’t date black people.”
I have two black kids.

“Blood is thicker than water, but if you disgrace me, I disown you.”
So I left home at fifteen and at times, only had my children for family in my life.

“Women should know their place, they should be subservient to Man.” That was the toughest lesson to unlearn.

I’m grateful for everything, good and bad my father taught me. I miss him terribly. I feel robbed.

Excerpt from my book, Trying to find Love... Poems & Reflections of the Love that made Me

​Available for purchase on amazon.com $5.49

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