A Precariously Balanced Life

3/9/2018 0 Comments

For my Dad, on his birthday.

It's been 8 years now since he's been gone...
I'm still working through the pain...

--Excerpt--
My Daddy

Daddy’s ‘lil girl
© T.B. Cooper
Originally written: 08-17-1998
I’m your baby girl
At least that’s what you told me
When I came into this world
And you knew someday
I’d grow up to spread my wings
And my own eyes would have
To see all of those things
That you told me were wrong
And that you knew best.
I’ve got your intuition
It just kicked in too late
For me to know what I was doing
Would cause you to hate
Daddy’s ‘lil girl
You said I betrayed you
But you betrayed me
“Family will never leave you”
At least that’s what you told me
Said you’d be there forever
Well forever’s almost gone.
But Daddy I’m still here
Waiting for the day when you realize
That I’m my father’s daughter
And I’ve got more than Daddy’s eyes
I’m as stubborn as a bull
Very set in my ways.
You missed my wedding day
You made the choice to push
Instead of give me away
You’re missing your grandkids
A boy and a girl
They’re growing up fast
And they’re my whole world
Wasn’t I once yours
I was Daddy’s girl
Now I’m Daddy’s sad girl
Oh Daddy’s sad ‘lil girl

Now, not really much of a song, per se… I’ve over the years added, edited this song and what not… I’ve lost the original (I think?). This is of course about my Daddy; a few days before I had my first daughter. Last time he cared if I existed was July 23, 1996; before he dropped me off at the hospital to have my half-black son saying he wasn’t the father of a “Ni**er-loving whore.”

I was Daddy’s little girl. He even made a charm for me once that
I was supposed to get when I turned eighteen…. I’m almost
twenty-eight at this moment I’m typing…
Yeah, don’t see that happening.

Really not easy being rejected by a man. Certainly not by your father who you feel is supposed to shelter and protect you... No matter what. I could write more, but, there’s not much left to say……..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is my update.. I am 36 right now, my dad has been gone for six years. Right before he died, my family (including my kids) went to see him at his bedside. It was one of the single most painful moments of my life.

I’d spent fourteen years, not seeing him, not talking to him. Ten of those years I was mostly a single mom. A single mom with three kids, living in the same town, at times-right down the street. I’d gotten used to not having him in my life. I had to make my own way, and this inevitably sent me into the arms of the next newest savior.

Then, right at the end, when his departure from this world and my life for good was unavoidable, I had to lose him all over again. We made peace with each other. He hugged my son. My son, who for fourteen years could’ve learned so much from his grandpa, but he and his sisters were denied because of a foolish man’s pride.
There was no man that had a greater influence on my early adult life besides my Dad. Everything I did was dictated by what was and wasn’t acceptable with him.

“Don’t date black people.”
I have two black kids.

“Blood is thicker than water, but if you disgrace me, I disown you.”
So I left home at fifteen and at times, only had my children for family in my life.

“Women should know their place, they should be subservient to Man.” That was the toughest lesson to unlearn.

I’m grateful for everything, good and bad my father taught me. I miss him terribly. I feel robbed.

Excerpt from my book, Trying to find Love... Poems & Reflections of the Love that made Me

Available for purchase on amazon.com $5.49

and available on Kindle! $2.99 (Free if you buy the paperback)

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3/9/2018 0 Comments

Whilst digging through boxes of 'need to be filed' papers, looking for what I ended up finding in a binder next to my desk, lol, I found this post I'd not typed up yet...

I absolutely LOVE this picture I took back in August of 2016. No filter, not photoshopped... just perfect timing. The division in light speaks to my Libran nature.

I wrote this sometime back in June, I think, right before the car accident.
I pen write almost EVERYTHING, which led me to the realization yesterday that I need to decide what I want done with all of my written works, in the event of my death prior to getting them typed & published. I'm kinda on the fence about that...
Anyway, here's what I had written down about what was going on at the time of my then, only 9 month absence.

So... I've been away for quite some time. I cannot guarantee with any degree of certainty that I am back and that that which has kept me away is a problem solved, and that I can move on...

Because, it's not that simple.

I've been in a dark place.

My mind and moods seem to reflect the unpredictable weather we've been having; almost as if I controlled the rolling thunder clouds and voracious winds.
I've been (almost) ashamed to even get back to blogging again, especially when I consider what a phenomenal year, last year, was (2016).
Last year, I decided to pursue MY DREAMS. I took a chance and stood up for what I wanted. I made progress and tasted success-- something I'd been afraid of all my life.
It was INCREDIBLE.
Then, as everything does, life provided more challenges and harder obstacles. I can only assume my plate wasn't full, enough. :/

At some point, near mid-October(2016), my Precariously Balanced Life became horribly unbalanced. No, not unbalanced, exactly, because to me, that sounds like the scales leaned one way or the other, too much.
No, more like the little thingy that holds the scales in place at the middle, the fulcrum, became loosened and over sensitive, making it so that even a small breeze could affect the sway.
A roller-coaster of emotions?
Sure. If it were a high speed one that completely changed direction every two seconds... then, yeah. That's how I've felt when I've taken a moment to acknowledge what I was feeling or thinking.

Otherwise, I've just been NUMB.

Numb and don't give a f*@k for months now. My existence has been autonomous. Like a calculator I've been robotically solving problems as quickly as they've been presented...

Small ones, What's for snack?
Bigger Ones, Do you have room for one more?
And ridiculously complex ones, I f*@ked up big time, can you help me? What do I do?

Somewhere along this timeline, I forgot about me. Each time I wanted to sit down at my computer... each time I wanted to write something down... each time I wanted to tell everyone out in the blogging-verse, "hey, I'm still here & alive."... each time I wanted to just , breathe... I was given another task.

I am a huge believer in the laws of Attraction, and the under-estimated, seldom credited-- Power of the MIND. Hundreds of books have been written on the subject such as Rhonda Byrne's The Secret, etc. on every topic from healing to wealth. And all of them vocalize and confirm deep-rooted feelings I've had all along...
That You are in control of Your life.
Not a higher divine being, not the Fates, not some pre-written destiny...

You. You control You.
Me. I control Me.
Only.
Period.

Now, let me expound upon this, perhaps further than some of the books out there venture to do...

Here's who I am/was/am...
Strong and confident, and in charge. On top of game. Fearful & paranoid on the inside, but capable of recognizing and resolving those things that frightened me, because failure was never an option.
When I make a decision, a choice, I do not decide later that I chose wrong or regret what I've done. Every event, I treat as a life lesson. There is NO BAD CHOICE. There is only a failure to see things through, to quit before you're done... a lack of conviction.

To put it another way--

If I second guess myself, after I've made a decision, then I open the door of Doubts. Like a dam, holding back a mighty river, once I open that door, an irreparable hole is inundated with forceful, destructive thoughts that erode away even the most concrete of foundations, until the happy little village of "Problem Solved, I'm okay" is flooded with new miseries, and finally, washed away...

So, I don't second guess myself.

My life, my existence-- is the Dam.
I. Am. The Dam.

I have a large family. Like I'd said at the end of last year (2016) our household was swelling to 15++.
I had managed just fine with a large livestock count, and a household of 8, for years:
Meal Planning/Prepping
Farming/Homesteading
Home-schooling
Mothering
House-wifing
Writing
Art-working...
Then our household grew, and then we welcomed a few more...
I was okay for a while. I kept it together as best I could, for as long as I could...

But even the most eternal of engineering marvels has a hidden weakness...
Corrosive Acid Rain...
Abrasive Desert Wind Storms...
A hole no bigger than a womp rat...
Mine?
My husband.

When our relationship is good, I am completely on top of the world. I am happy. I don't miss a beat. I'm like a fast shootin' gun-slinger from some old western movie, taking out all the bad guys...
boom
boom
bang bang
Boom!

But when we're NOT okay, EVERYTHING. HURTS. Suddenly, my bulletproof vest is penetrable, and my confidence bleeds out to emptiness.
Why?
Why does he hold this power over me?
Well the simple answer is, because I let him.

But to be more concise, I'll give you the explanation I gave him, as we began working on our marriage that had suddenly seemed to have fallen apart after 11 years...
Who does God cry to?
Who does the General cry to?
When you are an Apex predator, top of the food chain individual, who do you fear?
Who controls, you?
When you wield phenomenal power, who holds power, over you?

You might ask, if you're at the top, why is there even a need for someone to have power over you?

A good question. Simple answer-- because everyone NEEDS to be Dominated at some point. Everyone NEEDS to feel subordinate every now and then. There is severe truth in the saying that "Absolute power, corrupts absolutely".
Whether it is a general seeing a dominatrix in secret, or a culture creating a pantheon of gods to govern them, or a people fearing an all-seeing Eye... Everyone needs someone to Answer to.
Even the most Powerful people, cannot live at the pinnacle forever.
To keep that power in check, you need to give some of it away.

Existence is Precariously Balanced.

To everyone involved in my life, my family, friends etc., I am a fierce protector, a solver, a fighter, a fixer... I am methodical, calculating, and level headed. People come to me, and lay their problems at my feet. No solution is unsolvable.
For me.
I do this without hesitation. I do this regardless of, and before, my own personal problems.

What makes it unbearable, what makes it insufferable to the point that the desire to dispose of it (my position in life), is when I have no vulnerability left. When I am TOO GOOD.

Insanity, right?

Well, that's why I need my husband. It gets lonely at the top. I am a strong and powerful woman. I NEED an equal partner,
if I choose to actually have one, in the first place. I need to be able to submit to someone or something. Someone to answer to, yes, kinda, but more so someone to lean on and tell me I am doing good. I need reassurance. I need comforting.
I need to be grounded.

That's who my husband is to me. He is my center. He brings me back to Earth... keeps me level.
But he too, suffers from depression, and unlike me, he is only just now learning & applying the power of his own mind, control... the power behind actively changing your outlook...

Which creates MORE problems.

How can he comfort me, or dominate me, if he feels like less of a man? If he feels that I am too strong?
How can he be 'The MAN', to an independent Woman?
How can he ground me or put me in my place, without being a chauvinistic or abusive man?
Isn't this what feminism is about? The equality of women to men?
Doesn't this go against all of that?

Maybe it does. But because I CHOOSE to have a partner, that partner has to match me toe to toe. I take care of him & his needs, I expect the same...

Well, this "domination" of me, usually takes place in the bedroom, where he gets to lead and I follow... um..
but a passionate kiss or a strong embrace, even on a day where I'm filled with rage because my cup over-floweth--
is usually all it takes.
I rule the house and create a sanctuary for him and all who visit here, but HE is MY SANCTUARY.
He is MY Happy Place.

A relationship, just like a people, or an individual person, or any species for that matter, MUST EVOLVE. It has to. Stagnation equals Death.
If your body stops moving, it starts breaking. Your essence, just like your bones and muscles, begin dissolving, until there is nothing left.

So, among ALL the issues I've been having for the past 9+ months or so, at the center of it all, has been an epic battle of adjusting and understanding within the most important relationship in my life.
It has not been easy.
It has broken me.

Some parts of me remain, broken.

So, this is where I am at.
This too, shall pass, and I will once again triumph and be jubilant.
But all in good time.

I love this picture. He'd stopped to say he loves me, in the middle of a jumpy house birthday party for our niece. Our eyes say it all!

*Note: The additional individuals have all since left, either by their own accord, or because they were asked to leave.
We are at a steady 10, and holding..

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3/5/2018 0 Comments

So, if you wanted to know where I've been...

Well, so do I.

Time has a funny way of changing one's perspective. While going through the HELL of the last 14 months or so, I can't quite remember exactly, each and every emotion that made everything seem so impossible. Right now, as I've tried to be for that whole time, I'm OKAY. I'm stable mentally, yet still exhausted physically. And that's okay.

I've tried numerous times to get on here and write... something... but it never worked out. I'd written a post back in October of last year (in fact, the picture from above is FROM that day), saying everything I'd (still) like to say now, but when I backed out of it to add pictures (I was doing this in the Weebly App on my phone) the ENTIRE/Super-long post was GONE! The only thing the app had saved was my title.
And this really put a bad taste in my mouth, and made me just want to give up completely.

But, I honestly couldn't. This blog, this entire site, is a major part of my dream.

And yet, it's so much more.

I'd visited my site over the past 14 months, to see if people were still interested in my site etc.
And EVERY time I did, I was shocked to see that people WERE still visiting.

Below is the actual screenshot I took, January 1st of this year.
145,167 page views may NOT be a lot to most bloggers, but for me, not having blogged in a solid year...
this was & IS AMAZING!

This gave me both HOPE & DESPAIR.

HOPE came in the wonderment that there were people out there who must like something I'm doing... either in the material I share or just my natural "witty charm" Lol. And this confirmed that I actually COULD do THIS. This whole having a presence in the world where I'm not just affecting the immediate & same set of people every day, but others as well.

I've said before that I only started a blog and a website because I'd originally learned that to be a successful author in this technological age we live in, you'd have to have a website where folks could find you, such as prospective agents, publishers, and of course, fans.

But what I also had read was that if you're going to have a website, you might want to have a blog. And if you have a blog.... RULES #1-15 state that your site & blog should be topic/niche specific. So, if you're a writer, you talk about writing and books, etc. If you're a homesteader, you talk about homesteading. Homeschooler? Homeschooling. You like Cooking? You share recipes. You like sex, you talk about sex. You like painting: you paint.

etc. etc. etc.

But YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TALK ABOUT ALL OF IT. Readers/Viewers don't like that kind of thing.

Well, then I guess they won't like me, right?

Because I DO ALL OF THAT & then SOME.

I've spent my lifetime trying, I mean DOING & BEING, the best I can/be. Every day, day in/day out.

And now, I've proven that assumption wrong, at least to myself, that I'd have to focus on one topic. This blog/website, has at times, been my only source of solace. Of course, at times, I've wanted to delete EVERY one of my websites & Social Media accounts, and have a huge bonfire in my yard, burning every scrap of writing, ideas, dreams, that I've ever had.... quite a few times, recently, actually.

That's where the DESPAIR comes in. Despairing about am I ever going to be able to get back to it again? Have I lost my momentum? My give a F*@K? I don't think I have. I have had some serious ups & downs... some major set-backs... But I've also been through worse. Like I said in my post from the other day, I think it's just where I'm at at this stage in my life. Stuck between a few generations of lives that depend on me a bit more now, than they ever have.

I think sometimes about what I've done wrong in my life. What I might've done differently so I could've raised my kids with a bit more money to go places, better food, nicer homes before we finally found this one that's become our dream home...

I have a hard time answering that question, though. I don't HAVE regrets. I make choices after much deliberation. So...? I COULDN'T have done any of it differently. That would conflict with and invalidate every one of my careful and thoughtful decisions I've ever made.

So, my kids grew up appreciating life, just a little bit more. They understand it more. They love, a little MORE. That's important.

My goals with writing, this ambitious path I've chosen for MYSELF, is a much harder task to pursue, than the tasks that come easy to me, such as growing people & leading by example & fixing even the most severe of "normal" life problems.

I didn't grow up with a Role-model or Mentor. I was & remain, my OWN mentor/advisor. I take the most comfort in reading MY OWN words of wisdom. And to be clear, I am NOT narcissistic. I am an INTJ & a LIBRA, which does make for a pretty f*@ked up mentality for most people to comprehend, let alone for one of "us" to remain stable.

Libras are diplomatic, INTJs are the Masterminds... PLUS, I'm FEMALE. So I have this emotional side that needs to take a back burner to my natural logical side that can see both sides to each argument, but can still passionately HATE the side that doesn't favor justice. Look, it's just a mind f*@k, and I've been precariously un-balanced for about a year, and most of that has been my needed involvement helping others. My own issues were by no means minor, they were just harder to get through because my focus had already been diverted, which in turn, takes away from my mental abilities to block the "pains" of my afflictions, both old (endometriosis, PCOS, bipolar depression) & new(the car accident gave me a concussion/temporary speech impediment/memory loss/a sudden inability to multitask & irreparable back pain for life)...

But all in all, I'm okay. I'll be okay. There isn't another option. I chose this life. I also chose to pursue my dream of writing & writing EVERYTHING.

I changed my "motto" on Facebook to:

"My mission in life: To change the world, one person at a a time. If I can be a Happy Bitch, so can you!"

and dammit, if that's not true.

That's why I've started writing a couple of scripts for some Youtube videos, practicing recording myself...
That's why I started my hipOrcriticalview Tumblr account...
That's why I signed up for Emily's List...
That's why I'm NOT STOPPING.
Roadblocks, obstacles, forks... bring it on. I've been through Hell enough times, that I'm just not scared anymore.
I haven't been in such a long time...

I haven't lost it, because my strength, my alter ego, my "other personalities"... whatever that force from within I choose to call it ...
that side of me will NOT LET ME STOP. Period.

I know, this post really didn't explain any of what I've been going through, and I think it's mostly left un-detailed because I've emotionally been detached from much of it. And since emotions are what help store memories in our own little databases we call brains, I really wouldn't even know where to start to unfold the detailed drama that has spanned the previous 14 months.

All I can say, is that if I'm not on here, but you still want to see what I'm up to, check out my Tumblr accounts, or Facebook, or my Instagram, or Twitter, or Pinterest... those I'm easily on almost everyday, and ONLY because the app versions are more friendly and usable while I'm out doing chores on the farm or wherever else in this world, I am needed at any giving time.

You can link to those accounts mentioned by clicking one of the social icons at the top of this post, or going to my Contact Me page.

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2/28/2018 0 Comments

I just went through my saved drafts & deleted 6 never finished posts!

Like, honestly... what the HELL?

I have seriously tried (more than 6 times) to post to this blog over the past 14+ months or so, but EVERY SINGLE TIME I've attempted to get the time to post anything either I get interrupted, or the draft doesn't get saved when I try to upload corresponding pictures, or I am too tired after my 18-20 hour day to even look at my computer screen, or I can't even find my computer desk under the piles of unopened mail/un-filed papers/ folded laundry etc....

..... yeah, see, I started this at 5:30 pm & it is now 7:39 pm... interruptions...

when did it all become so complicated?

I think it has everything to do with the stage in life that I'm at. I mean, maybe. I'm 38. Three of my four kids are adults, with the youngest not far behind. So that entails them ready to spread their wings, but needing that extra guidance into adulthood. My husband is 43, and has discovered more grays than he's ready for (the house is 90% female occupied). Our parents are aging and so are we. We already have one grandbaby, who is almost 7... add in the family extensions and the farm... yeah, that's probably enough to do anyone in & cause a mental breakdown.

Then compound matters with yearly & semi-yearly/or monthly, unexpected WTFs and I'm surprised anyone can survive...
.......
........
.......

okay. Interruption #what number, now?

F*@k it. I'm done. Goodnight!

I'll try again tomorrow.

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2/27/2018 0 Comments

Just wanted to make a quick announcement, give some updates & let ya'll know I'm still here!

"Possibilities" ©T.B. Cooper

Okay, so first off.... this isn't the post where I explain where the Hell I've been for more than a year... that'll come later.

This also isn't the post where I catch up for work I haven't got done, like reviews/recipes/and Meal Plans... sorry!

But, this is the post where I say Hi, and I've been doing things, and here they are...

#1 If you haven't seen yet the page I created just for my Mom & her awesome amazingness...
be sure to check it out, by clicking below on her lovely picture.

My Mommy

#2 I am now on Instagram and Tumblr

#3 I've added two more pages to this site. Both are NOT for everyone. While I won't necessarily say "viewer discretion is advised",
I WILL say that there are probably some out there that wouldn't agree with what I CHOOSE to put on them.

The first one is called hipOrcriticalview and I've basically linked it to my secondary Tumblr account, which is where I've started writing thoughts from my darker side... my cynical side... my diplomatic and Devil's Advocate side. This account is part diary & journal, and part collective writing platform, for the thoughts and ideas I want to share... but don't want to wait 20 years before I've gathered them and polished them to publish them as a Grand & Epic thesis on Human Nature, etc.

The second one is my ARTIST page, and I'm actually quite excited about sharing it with you, although I'm sure there will be MANY who will feel offended. And honestly, I've spent my entire life, living for everyone else, making everyone else happy, and still most people don't quite understand me... and that's fine. I'm just tired of not doing what makes ME HAPPY. Blogging about anything and everything, two years ago, made ME HAPPY. Well, I DESERVE to be HAPPY. PERIOD.

So, anyway... check those pages out if you're curious about a few of the different sides of "me".

#4 I'm REALLY, really, really trying to get to the point where I can actually blog again, regularly, AND do some YouTube videos. That's what I've ultimately been working towards whenever I've gotten two minutes to myself. Which has been a challenge...

But that's for ANOTHER post...

I'll catch you up soon.

Until then...

here's hoping you, too, find your HAPPY!

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Mt. Charleston, as seen from my backyard.

Hello!

Hello. I’m T.B. Cooper, and I’m very excited to share my life with you. In between writing books, running a farm, and schooling my kids, you’ll find me fighting for desk space with my cats, while trying to keep their hair out of my tea…

I'm a woman of many traits and talents, some are better than others. In this Blog you'll find a little bit of everything.

Want to know more about me? Visit my About Page

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