For my Dad, on his birthday.

It's been 8 years now since he's been gone...
I'm still working through the pain...


--Excerpt--
My Daddy

Daddy’s ‘lil girl
© T.B. Cooper
Originally written: 08-17-1998
I’m your baby girl
At least that’s what you told me
When I came into this world
And you knew someday
I’d grow up to spread my wings
And my own eyes would have
To see all of those things
That you told me were wrong
And that you knew best.
I’ve got your intuition
It just kicked in too late
For me to know what I was doing
Would cause you to hate
Daddy’s ‘lil girl
You said I betrayed you
But you betrayed me
“Family will never leave you”
At least that’s what you told me
Said you’d be there forever
Well forever’s almost gone.
But Daddy I’m still here
Waiting for the day when you realize
That I’m my father’s daughter
And I’ve got more than Daddy’s eyes
I’m as stubborn as a bull
Very set in my ways.
You missed my wedding day
You made the choice to push
Instead of give me away
You’re missing your grandkids
A boy and a girl
They’re growing up fast
And they’re my whole world
Wasn’t I once yours
I was Daddy’s girl
Now I’m Daddy’s sad girl
Oh Daddy’s sad ‘lil girl


Now, not really much of a song, per se… I’ve over the years added, edited this song and what not… I’ve lost the original (I think?). This is of course about my Daddy; a few days before I had my first daughter. Last time he cared if I existed was July 23, 1996; before he dropped me off at the hospital to have my half-black son saying he wasn’t the father of a “Ni**er-loving whore.”

I was Daddy’s little girl. He even made a charm for me once that
I was supposed to get when I turned eighteen…. I’m almost
twenty-eight at this moment I’m typing…
Yeah, don’t see that happening.

Really not easy being rejected by a man. Certainly not by your father who you feel is supposed to shelter and protect you... No matter what. I could write more, but, there’s not much left to say……..
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This is my update.. I am 36 right now, my dad has been gone for six years. Right before he died, my family (including my kids) went to see him at his bedside. It was one of the single most painful moments of my life.

I’d spent fourteen years, not seeing him, not talking to him. Ten of those years I was mostly a single mom. A single mom with three kids, living in the same town, at times-right down the street. I’d gotten used to not having him in my life. I had to make my own way, and this inevitably sent me into the arms of the next newest savior.

Then, right at the end, when his departure from this world and my life for good was unavoidable, I had to lose him all over again. We made peace with each other. He hugged my son. My son, who for fourteen years could’ve learned so much from his grandpa, but he and his sisters were denied because of a foolish man’s pride.
There was no man that had a greater influence on my early adult life besides my Dad. Everything I did was dictated by what was and wasn’t acceptable with him.

“Don’t date black people.”
I have two black kids.

“Blood is thicker than water, but if you disgrace me, I disown you.”
So I left home at fifteen and at times, only had my children for family in my life.

“Women should know their place, they should be subservient to Man.” That was the toughest lesson to unlearn.

I’m grateful for everything, good and bad my father taught me. I miss him terribly. I feel robbed.

Excerpt from my book, Trying to find Love... Poems & Reflections of the Love that made Me

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