I wanted to open up.....but,

© T.B. Cooper
​The other day, I wrote a really long post about some personal/medical struggles I've dealt with for many years. These included some health issues and forms of depression. After I hit "post," I felt better. I felt relieved. I'd gotten it all out. But then as the evening wore on, I began stressing out about having shared such personal information with "the world." That night I couldn't sleep. I ended up getting out of bed extra early (like midnight), just to go to Facebook and here, to delete the post. 

There are parts of me that I willingly discuss with anyone. Then there are the sides of me, my history for example, that I tend to discuss with people I've actually spoken to in person. And then there is my creative side. The part of my brain that hops from one story to another and writes furiously all that I can before the inspiration stops. Those stories, and even my paintings, I do not share willingly. Those come from a deep recess in my being that few have ventured to, and even those that have, have still not been privy to every facet of my mind.

I've only just got on to Facebook this year...

I was reluctant to do any social media. But unfortunately in this digital age, almost every writer, farmer, and artist (positions that apply to me as well) has a FB page and a blog. So I kinda had to do it. I'm currently self-publishing a lot of my stuff through sites such as createspace.com and kdpselect.com. So for digital works, obviously this Social Step was necessary. Then when I'm ready to pursue an agent or Big House Publisher, I will (hopefully) already have an online presence, and at least something for them to look at when considering me.

Up until this point I've been a bit of a recluse for the past few years. In public, I'm usually okay. Once you get me talking, then we have a great time. I've never thought of myself as an introvert, but I'm finding that I am. Through and through. I'd rather sit at home, okay maybe not sit unless I'm reading or writing..... but stay at home none-the-less.

And why not? I mean, I haven't posted on here as many pics as I have on my personal FB page, but still... I have a farm. A FARM!! Like how cool is that? I get to be surrounded by critters that love me, and don't openly judge me. Well if they do, then they at least have the decency to stay away, or hiss at me from a distance (the geese).

Last year was probably my most difficult year. And I know difficult. My mom was sick, and all I had time for was her. The farm duties got neglected (except the basics: feed, water, clean). I still, after ten years+ of saying I would- had published nothing. Too much ridiculousness was occurring. I felt as though last year was just the "head" everything was coming to. In many ways it was. After Mom got better, I was able to focus on the end of 2015, and really plan and extrapolate what it was that I wanted for 2016 and beyond.

January went off in amazing fireworks.

I published two new books and re-released my first one (under the pen name: Dirty Foot Butterscotch). I also started two blogs, this one and DFB. I reached 600+ followers on Pinterest (that I started in October last year as my intro to social media).... Then February came with the flu that had me down for a week and a half. Then once I'd recovered, I started getting some farm projects going (garden, milking, fodder), then I stepped on a nail. I just had my tetanus shot last year so I was okay, but the pain of where the entrance was, was bad. I have arthritis in my left hip. The nail went in my left foot. The pain made me hobble along, which then aggravated the arthritis, which ultimately put me down for another week and a half because I could hardly walk.

By this time, we were well into March. I hadn't blogged pretty much anything at all. I hadn't finished the writing projects I'd challenged myself to do. And even though I was working beautifully on at least ten other full time projects, I still just could not "get right." My depression was sneaking back up on me, and I was having a difficult time keeping it in check.

Slowly, towards the middle of April, I "got my groove back," sort of....

It's still a herculean task to manage everything, my personalities (pen names) and responsibilities that include the farm, the wifely duties, home-schooling..... and then add my depression and medical issues into the mix....

I wanted to open up.

So I wrote the post (that I've deleted) just to talk about how I manage my pain, almost successfully. But I just wasn't brave enough to keep it posted. I'm brand new to this blogging thing. I might not be doing right, but I'll learn. But the one thing I cannot deal with nicely, is people that want to talk shit-online. My second day into "being" on Facebook, I innocently commented on a post. A public post that tens of thousands of people post their comments on. I am Russian, and the post was what Russians vs. Polish people call their grandmothers. Without getting into detail, because I'm just not that person, another user basically misunderstood my comment and preceded to call me a "troll" simply because I disagreed with her blanket negative comment.

I didn't even know what a "troll" was. I had to ask my daughter.

So, did I learn my lesson?

Absolutely.

Do I read the comments?

Yup.

Do I comment? Nope. No I do not. Unless it is on MY PAGE. My page that I have control of, that I can block people from seeing, and delete comments I deem intolerable.

I have friends whose pov's I do not agree with, but I'm kind of a descent person... If they post something I don't like, or find offensive (which believe it or not, unless it is directed at me, I find nothing offensive). Then I simply move on. I scroll past without "liking it." I don't share it, and I most certainly don't comment. If my comment would be perceived as negative, then I keep it to myself.

I have a rule in Friendships: Do not discuss politics or religion. These are friendship enders. My friend may have convictions that I hold contrary to my every fiber. And that's okay. Politics, Religion, as well as sexual preferences, are an intimate part of each individual. I don't care about any of it. I can be your friend without you preaching your version of spirituality to me, just as easily as I can regardless of who you'd vote for. Those are your opinions, and yours only. I would be crossing a line if I tried to sway you. It is your responsibility to learn all you can to formulate your beliefs. No one else's. And as far as sexuality goes? I REALLY don't care. Are you trying to have sex with me? Because I'm married, thanks, I'm flattered you're interested. If not, I don't care who you sleep with, are attracted to, I don't care. That's your business, not mine. As long as you're happy, as your friend, I am happy for you. 

So what do I talk about with my friends? The weather. :) Everything else. Goals, dreams, the future. Nothing. Whatever comes to mind. If it is a serious issue, we'll discuss it. If something gets said that appears to be a segue to a debate, or worse an argument, I change the subject. I enjoy my friends' company. If I want advice, and vice versa, we have enough mutual respect to ask for it of one another, and to accept it as just that: advice...not some rule we must follow or risk death of friendship... just, advice. Otherwise, we just enjoy the fact that we can hang out, have a good time, and agree to disagree when needed, safe in knowing we have a shoulder to lean on.

Unfortunately this is not possible online. Especially in a one line comment. The voice does not replicate well sarcasm or well-meaning, on the computer screen. This is why there are so many emoticons and "stickers?" That way you can attach a representation of your mood. But still, that doesn't carry much weight. People will still misunderstand you. They will still criticize a complete stranger while demanding that their most personal beliefs & traits be validated, and then simultaneously cry that it's "their business only" and you should keep your opinion to yourself. 

People are hypocrites. Pure and simple. Am I? Maybe not so much anymore. Did I used to be? Seldom times, sometimes often, yes. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Not at all. Instead, I'm saying that I try to be better today, than I was yesterday. I've learned to not care about those "topics" I mentioned. I know what I believe may be different than what others do, so I do not want to discuss it. Kinda like the "Golden Rule" of every society: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

That's why I couldn't keep that post up. It was very personal. No religion, or politics... but some about my sexuality, and how that's been influenced by my "afflictions" (and no, it had nothing to do with being gay or not gay, or that current topic). My not so much fear, but cause for apprehension, is if someone were to come at me with a judgmental call, that doesn't know me from some kid working at Burger King, then after deleting said negative post, I would fume and brew over it for days. I'm not sensitive. My skin is pretty thick, but descent humanity is lost on some people. Just because you have a right to your own opinion, does not mean it is okay to attack those that do not share the same. Those that cry out against bullying, are guilty of doing it themselves. Every time they call someone a "troll," or tell them to shut up, etc., they are violating our inalienable rights granted us by the Declaration of Independence. They are going against the First Amendment. Free speech is not just for some, but not others. Now if you don't live in the U.S., then this obviously wouldn't apply.

The biggest part of this that would bother me, is that most of those people saying those negative things, would NEVER say that to mine or someone else's face. Okay, Some might. But I've discovered that most feel pretty big with their misspelled words of insult. I'm not saying I'm a thug, but call me a troll to my face. I'll cuss your ass out so severely and completely that you'll want to punch me, at which case it's self defense. Because I won't swing first. I have more control than that.......... In fact, it would take a lot for me to cuss a stranger out. Who does that? Who could attack a stranger's character via online or in person?

I could never do that. Unless someone is physically attacking me, I can and will walk away. I mean seriously, cuss me out in person. If that's what makes you feel better about yourself, do it. I'll more than likely just stare at you as if you are some in-bred, degenerative, sub-human that was obviously never shown compassion or understanding, tolerance or acceptance. I'll probably hug you.... Okay, maybe not, but I have been tempted before to do so when interacting with random assholes.

Whatever. I have more important things to worry about. I've got books to write whether people read them or not. When I die, I do not want to regret not getting all of this madness out of me. I must do the right thing, and share it.

So this has been my explanation for why I haven't posted in a bit, as well as my rant.

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you come visit again soon. Maybe I'll eventually re-post the original, more personal one. 

I do welcome your comments. If you have constructive criticism to offer, I welcome that too.
**Just remember, If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it. That's the proper thing to do. I still have my manners. I wish everyone else did.

Until next time,

T.B. Cooper