(My) "Rules" for Raising Kids: Rule #1 Speak to them like they're the person they'll be when they're grown.

Hi! I haven't blogged in like, a million years now, and now that my middle child is due to have her first human at the end of this month, I figured the first post I should do on this blog for the New Year/New Me schedule I've set for myself should be some unasked for advice from the greatest mom in the world--- ME.

I'm not trying to tell anybody how to raise their kids... I'm only sharing how I've raised mine, and the "Rules" I've faithfully stuck to.

So... what you need to do is THE MOMENT your kid comes into the world, like, before you ever even put them to the boob (or bottle, whatever works), you tell them right then & there... it'll cost em. Tit for Tat, basically. Or, I guess more like, Tat for Tit? But since "Tat" is short for my full name, I never really liked that phrase... although it WOULD make an awesome t-shirt because I like boobs, who doesn't?

Moving on...

But yeah, ya gotta set those ground rules down immediately or they'll walk all over you, for real.

Okay, hopefully, my sarcasm was picked up on by most of you-- if not, IT WAS A JOKE! I know *Nuance is Dead* (shirt available in my Redbubble store) so maybe it wasn't obvious, but quite frankly, I'm sick of coddling those that don't get me. I don't have endless time to say all I need to say... so I'm just gonna speak & do like the REAL ME always did...

With that being said, Here's probably THE MOST IMPORTANT one, I think...
​Although, I believe in ALL of my "Rules", equally... so, there's that.

Rule #1 Speak to them like they're the person they'll be, when they're grown.

I'm not sure how easy this concept is to grasp for some people, or what it is exactly that I'm saying when I give my explanation. On the surface, it's either going to make perfect sense or cause great confusion. But, I believe following this rule has greatly affected the relationships I have with my own children, and the countless others I've helped raise.

I don't have a problem with the cutsie baby talk we're all guilty of using when interacting with an infant. They're adorable and easily enjoyable, so acting like silly baffoons for their entertainment is totally understandable.

But I DO NOT and WILL NOT, and HAVE NEVER, spoken only that way to an infant, let alone a child who is six months old, or older. For me, that's unacceptable, and downright detremental to their development.

Why? Because from the moment that baby is popped out of the womb, their brain is experiencing growth on an exponential level, that will begin to slow down, in only a few years. It is crucial to develop the basic skills needed for a learning minset now, while they're open and suceptible to it, so that later, they don't have to be taught behaviors that should be instinctual.

Skills and behaviors, such as:
Common Sense, Manners, Logic, Reasoning, Empathy... the Ability to Recognize Danger, Understanding, Cause & Effect, and one of the most important and untaught correctly-- RESPECT.

​This might sound truly crazy, and frankly, I don't care how it sounds... I have seen this practice in action, used it, experienced & witnessed it from ALL sides, for more than 40 years, to know what I'm saying. I've studied behavior for almost as long, it's kind of my "ish" if you know what I mean, and this ONE Rule, has been THE MOST IMPORTANT.

I have conversations with the kids, even when they're babies. I talk about everything, explain everything, and engage them in the world around them.

If I'm cooking, for example, I've got that 8 month old on my hip, and I'm narrating what I'm doing, as if I'm on some kind of cooking show and they're the main studio audience...

EXAMPLE CONVERSATION with a kid on my hip:
"This is the garlic that's minced up... I buy it in a jar because I'm too lazy to mince it myself. Depending what store I go to, I usually pay somewhere around $5 to $6 for it. I love garlic! Here, smell it. Oh yeah, it's strong! Right now, it might be what they call "too pungent" for you because your little nose is still sensitive and you're learning what you like and don't like, but, if you're gonna eat my food, you're gonna eat garlic. Ah, don't worry, you don't gotta eat it just like this, see? I'm grabbing this here, teaspoon, and Ima drop a teaspoonful in this here skillet that I've poured some olive oil into. Now, you see how it bubbled and hissed when I put the garlic in there? That's because I've turned the skillet on. See this red light right here, next to the dial? And see the cord? Now follow my finger, you see it's plugged in? Well, all of that, means that this skillet is HOT, and if you touched it, it would hurt. You're finger would sizzle just like that garlic right there. See how it's already turning brown? Yeah? Yeah, so you probably don't want to touch it, do you? No? Good, I didn't think so. You do seem like you might be pretty smart, and that was a good choice you made... not to touch it. Can you say hot? Hot? ... Yes! Good, good, HOT. Okay, so because that garlic is turning brown already, I'm gonna grab a spa-tu-la and stir the garlic a bit. Now, I want to add some onions, so Ima grab the bag out from the free-zer... here we are, on-ions... these I don't buy pre cut, instead either me or Babushka cut up a bunch and stick them in the bags and freeze them. It's cheaper and easier that way... Okay, so i'm gonna grab a handful or so of some of the on-ions, and drop them in and mix em up. Okay, oh, do you want to smell the onions? Yeah? Here. What do you think? Do you want to try a piece? Okay... here... now, you can spit it out if you don't like it... You like it? Really? Cool, I do too. Oh, you want me to eat one also? Oh... you want to feed me the onion? Okay, well, here's the bag, go ahead and reach in, but just grab one piece okay? Good, good... Okay, I'm ready... Om-nom-nom, Mmm! Yummy!!"

Even if this (hypothetical) baby cannot "speak," they can definitely understand, and they can communicate. How you interact with them now, is going to directly affect the relationship you have later with them.

For me, it's never too early to "treat them like an adult." I'm not one for sheltering or babying a child, and then turn around one day and tell them they're suddenly too old for something etc. 

When I say ya need to speak to your kids like they're adults, what I mean--- in long format--- is this...

Speak to your children in age & comprehension-ability appropriate terms/words, yes, BUT... ALWAYS SPEAK TO THEM AS THOUGH THEY ARE ALREADY WHO THEY'LL BE WHEN THEY'RE ADULTS... because, they already are.

Like the scultor Michelangelo said,

"The sculpture is already complete within the marble block, before I start my work. It is already there, I just have to chisel away the superfluous material."

Well, that's how kids are, too. All of us were.

​Here's the thing, we as parents, have NO IDEA who are kids are. And HAHA if you think you do. Oh, you might think you do and your kids might tell you "everything", but you really don't know them and you certainly don't know them better than they know themselves... AND YOU MAY NEVER REALLY KNOW THEM--- *FACTS (*according to me). You may understand them, which is more than wonderful, but who they are/will become when grown... especially when they move away and have their own lives... you'll never really know.

But, I don't say this to be mean, I'm saying it because it's important for parents to know, understand, and accept this harsh truth...

BECAUSE...

Your kids won't be kids forever. Their childhood lasts like two minutes... Blink and it's gone forever and then they're adults who don't wanna visit or adults who never move out--- or whatever is your most unpleasant scenario (not horrible, just, unpleasant, shit, I'm trying to keep this light).

I'm trying to explain this as best I can because it's how I raised my own children, and the countless others (nieces, nephews, etc.) over the thirty plus years I've been doing it.

I didn't try to mold them in my image. I raised each kid and interacted w/each kid, uniquely and according to their personalities/abilities, etc. I spoke to each kid as though they were my equal... not my friend, but my EQUAL--- HUMAN... I wanted respect, and I always assumed they kinda did too.

I'm a strong believer of "give respect/get respect", and I've NEVER taught my kids that adults deserve respect because they're elders. Um, nope... some adults are fucking assholes and ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DESERVE RESPECT by default of age. NO.

I didn't know who these kids were gonna be when they fully finish "growing up" and figuring it out for themselves, but I DO KNOW that that person was always in there and THEY KNOW that I've always treated THAT person with the love and respect due them.

This has made the relationships with my own kids, as they've been adulting, as well as many of the relationships I have with all the others, something of a good friendship-type bond. I don't know, I don't wanna say "mentoring" but like something where they don't have to worry about being judged... they know if asked, I will always be honest... I might be batshit crazy, but I'm also crazy supportive of them in their lives.

Anyway, I feel like I didn't really give this advice the justice it needed to be fully comprehended, but it's my first blog post in forever and ever, and words are still really hard for me since the second concussion... Plus, all my kids have since grown up...

I'll add more to this in later posts I'm sure, as I feel I know EVERYTHING there is to parenting now and I know you're just dying for me to spill my seeds of wisdom all over you!

#ItWasaJoke

Love ya!

Til next month,
​T.B. Cooper