So, if you wanted to know where I've been...

Well, so do I. 

Time has a funny way of changing one's perspective. While going through the HELL of the last 14 months or so, I can't quite remember exactly, each and every emotion that made everything seem so impossible. Right now, as I've tried to be for that whole time, I'm OKAY. I'm stable mentally, yet still exhausted physically. And that's okay.

I've tried numerous times to get on here and write... something... but it never worked out. I'd written a post back in October of last year (in fact, the picture from above is FROM that day), saying everything I'd (still) like to say now, but when I backed out of it to add pictures (I was doing this in the Weebly App on my phone) the ENTIRE/Super-long post was GONE! The only thing the app had saved was my title.
And this really put a bad taste in my mouth, and made me just want to give up completely.

But, I honestly couldn't. This blog, this entire site, is a major part of my dream.

And yet, it's so much more.

I'd visited my site over the past 14 months, to see if people were still interested in my site etc.
And EVERY time I did, I was shocked to see that people WERE still visiting. 
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Below is the actual screenshot I took, January 1st of this year.
145,167 page views may NOT be a lot to most bloggers, but for me, not having blogged in a solid year...
this was & IS AMAZING!

This gave me both HOPE & DESPAIR.

HOPE came in the wonderment that there were people out there who must like something I'm doing... either in the material I share or just my natural "witty charm" Lol. And this confirmed that I actually COULD do THIS. This whole having a presence in the world where I'm not just affecting the immediate & same set of people every day, but others as well. 

I've said before that I only started a blog and a website because I'd originally learned that to be a successful author in this technological age we live in, you'd have to have a website where folks could find you, such as prospective agents, publishers, and of course, fans.

But what I also had read was that if you're going to have a website, you might want to have a blog. And if you have a blog.... RULES #1-15 state that your site & blog should be topic/niche specific. So, if you're a writer, you talk about writing and books, etc. If you're a homesteader, you talk about homesteading. Homeschooler? Homeschooling. You like Cooking? You share recipes. You like sex, you talk about sex. You like painting: you paint.

etc. etc. etc.

But YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TALK ABOUT ALL OF IT. Readers/Viewers don't like that kind of thing.

Well, then I guess they won't like me, right? 

Because I DO ALL OF THAT & then SOME.

I've spent my lifetime trying, I mean DOING & BEING, the best I can/be. Every day, day in/day out.

And now, I've proven that assumption wrong, at least to myself, that I'd have to focus on one topic. This blog/website, has at times, been my only source of solace. Of course, at times, I've wanted to delete EVERY one of my websites & Social Media accounts, and have a huge bonfire in my yard, burning every scrap of writing, ideas, dreams, that I've ever had.... quite a few times, recently, actually.

That's where the DESPAIR comes in. Despairing about am I ever going to be able to get back to it again? Have I lost my momentum? My give a F*@K? I don't think I have. I have had some serious ups & downs... some major set-backs... But I've also been through worse. Like I said in my post from the other day, I think it's just where I'm at at this stage in my life. Stuck between a few generations of lives that depend on me a bit more now, than they ever have.

I think sometimes about what I've done wrong in my life. What I might've done differently so I could've raised my kids with a bit more money to go places, better food, nicer homes before we finally found this one that's become our dream home...

I have a hard time answering that question, though. I don't HAVE regrets. I make choices after much deliberation. So...? I COULDN'T have done any of it differently. That would conflict with and invalidate every one of my careful and thoughtful decisions I've ever made.

So, my kids grew up appreciating life, just a little bit more. They understand it more. They love, a little MORE. That's important. 

My goals with writing, this ambitious path I've chosen for MYSELF, is a much harder task to pursue, than the tasks that come easy to me, such as growing people & leading by example & fixing even the most severe of "normal" life problems.

I didn't grow up with a Role-model or Mentor. I was & remain, my OWN mentor/advisor. I take the most comfort in reading MY OWN words of wisdom. And to be clear, I am NOT narcissistic. I am an INTJ & a LIBRA, which does make for a pretty f*@ked up mentality for most people to comprehend, let alone for one of "us" to remain stable.

Libras are diplomatic, INTJs are the Masterminds... PLUS, I'm FEMALE. So I have this emotional side that needs to take a back burner to my natural logical side that can see both sides to each argument, but can still passionately HATE the side that doesn't favor justice. Look, it's just a mind f*@k, and I've been precariously un-balanced for about a year, and most of that has been my needed involvement helping others. My own issues were by no means minor, they were just harder to get through because my focus had already been diverted, which in turn, takes away from my mental abilities to block the "pains" of my afflictions, both old (endometriosis, PCOS, bipolar depression) & new(the car accident gave me a concussion/temporary speech impediment/memory loss/a sudden inability to multitask & irreparable back pain for life)...

But all in all, I'm okay. I'll be okay. There isn't another option. I chose this life. I also chose to pursue my dream of writing & writing EVERYTHING. 

I changed my "motto" on Facebook to:

"My mission in life: To change the world, one person at a a time. If I can be a Happy Bitch, so can you!"

and dammit, if that's not true.

That's why I've started writing a couple of scripts for some Youtube videos, practicing recording myself...
That's why I started my hipOrcriticalview Tumblr account...
That's why I signed up for Emily's List...
That's why I'm NOT STOPPING.
Roadblocks, obstacles, forks... bring it on. I've been through Hell enough times, that I'm just not scared anymore.
I haven't been in such a long time... 

I haven't lost it, because my strength, my alter ego, my "other personalities"... whatever that force from within I choose to call it ...
that side of me will NOT LET ME STOP. Period.

I know, this post really didn't explain any of what I've been going through, and I think it's mostly left un-detailed because I've emotionally been detached from much of it. And since emotions are what help store memories in our own little databases we call brains, I really wouldn't even know where to start to unfold the detailed drama that has spanned the previous 14 months.

All I can say, is that if I'm not on here, but you still want to see what I'm up to, check out my Tumblr accounts, or Facebook, or my Instagram, or Twitter, or Pinterest... those I'm easily on almost everyday, and ONLY because the app versions are more friendly and usable while I'm out doing chores on the farm or wherever else in this world, I am needed at any giving time.

You can link to those accounts mentioned by clicking one of the social icons at the top of this post, or going to my Contact Me page.