Whilst digging through boxes of 'need to be filed' papers, looking for what I ended up finding in a binder next to my desk, lol, I found this post I'd not typed up yet...

I absolutely LOVE this picture I took back in August of 2016. No filter, not photoshopped... just perfect timing. The division in light speaks to my Libran nature.

I wrote this sometime back in June, I think, right before the car accident.
I pen write almost EVERYTHING, which led me to the realization yesterday that I need to decide what I want done with all of my written works, in the event of my death prior to getting them typed & published. I'm kinda on the fence about that...
Anyway, here's what I had written down about what was going on at the time of my then, only 9 month absence.

So... I've been away for quite some time. I cannot guarantee with any degree of certainty that I am back and that that which has kept me away is a problem solved, and that I can move on...

Because, it's not that simple.

I've been in a dark place.

My mind and moods seem to reflect the unpredictable weather we've been having; almost as if I controlled the rolling thunder clouds and voracious winds.
I've been (almost) ashamed to even get back to blogging again, especially when I consider what a phenomenal year, last year, was (2016).
Last year, I decided to pursue MY DREAMS. I took a chance and stood up for what I wanted. I made progress and tasted success-- something I'd been afraid of all my life. 
It was INCREDIBLE.
Then, as everything does, life provided more challenges and harder obstacles. I can only assume my plate wasn't full, enough. :/ 

At some point, near mid-October(2016), my Precariously Balanced Life became horribly unbalanced. No, not unbalanced, exactly, because to me, that sounds like the scales leaned one way or the other, too much.
No, more like the little thingy that holds the scales in place at the middle, the fulcrum, became loosened and over sensitive, making it so that even a small breeze could affect the sway.
A roller-coaster of emotions?
Sure. If it were a high speed one that completely changed direction every two seconds... then, yeah. That's how I've felt when I've taken a moment to acknowledge what I was feeling or thinking.

Otherwise, I've just been NUMB.

Numb and don't give a f*@k for months now. My existence has been autonomous. Like a calculator I've been robotically solving problems as quickly as they've been presented...

Small ones, What's for snack?
Bigger Ones, Do you have room for one more?
And ridiculously complex ones, I f*@ked up big time, can you help me? What do I do?

Somewhere along this timeline, I forgot about me. Each time I wanted to sit down at my computer... each time I wanted to write something down... each time I wanted to tell everyone out in the blogging-verse, "hey, I'm still here & alive."... each time I wanted to just , breathe... I was given another task.

I am a huge believer in the laws of Attraction, and the under-estimated, seldom credited-- Power of the MIND. Hundreds of books have been written on the subject such as Rhonda Byrne's The Secret, etc. on every topic from healing to wealth. And all of them vocalize and confirm deep-rooted feelings I've had all along...
That You are in control of Your life.
Not a higher divine being, not the Fates, not some pre-written destiny...

​You. You control You.
Me. I control Me.
Only.
Period.

Now, let me expound upon this, perhaps further than some of the books out there venture to do...

Here's who I am/was/am...
Strong and confident, and in charge. On top of game. Fearful & paranoid on the inside, but capable of recognizing and resolving those things that frightened me, because failure was never an option.
When I make a decision, a choice, I do not decide later that I chose wrong or regret what I've done. Every event, I treat as a life lesson. There is NO BAD CHOICE. There is only a failure to see things through, to quit before you're done... a lack of conviction.

To put it another way--

If I second guess myself, after I've made a decision, then I open the door of Doubts. Like a dam, holding back a mighty river, once I open that door, an irreparable hole is inundated with forceful, destructive thoughts that erode away even the most concrete of foundations, until the happy little village of "Problem Solved, I'm okay" is flooded with new miseries, and finally, washed away...

So, I don't second guess myself.

My life, my existence-- is the Dam.
I. Am. The Dam.

I have a large family. Like I'd said at the end of last year (2016) our household was swelling to 15++.
I had managed just fine  with a large livestock count, and a household of 8, for years:
Meal Planning/Prepping
Farming/Homesteading
Home-schooling
Mothering
House-wifing
Writing
Art-working...
Then our household grew, and then we welcomed a few more...
I was okay for a while. I kept it together as best I could, for as long as I could...

But even the most eternal of  engineering marvels has a hidden weakness...
Corrosive Acid Rain...
Abrasive Desert Wind Storms...
A hole no bigger than a womp rat...
Mine?
My husband.

When our relationship is good, I am completely on top of the world. I am happy. I don't miss a beat. I'm like a fast shootin' gun-slinger from some old western movie, taking out all the bad guys...
boom
boom
bang bang
Boom!

But when we're NOT okay, EVERYTHING. HURTS. Suddenly, my bulletproof vest is penetrable, and my confidence bleeds out to emptiness.
Why?
Why does he hold this power over me?
Well the simple answer is, because I let him.

But to be more concise, I'll give you the explanation I gave him, as we began working on our marriage that had suddenly seemed to have fallen apart after 11 years...
Who does God cry to?
Who does the General cry to?
When you are an Apex predator, top of the food chain individual, who do you fear?
Who controls, you?
When you wield phenomenal power, who holds power, over you?

You might ask, if you're at the top, why is there even a need for someone to have power over you?

A good question. Simple answer-- because everyone NEEDS to be Dominated at some point. Everyone NEEDS to feel subordinate every now and then. There is severe truth in the saying that "Absolute power, corrupts absolutely".
Whether it is a general seeing a dominatrix in secret, or a culture creating a pantheon of gods to govern them, or a people fearing an all-seeing Eye... Everyone needs someone to Answer to.
Even the most Powerful people, cannot live at the pinnacle forever.
To keep that power in check, you need to give some of it away.

Existence is Precariously Balanced.

To everyone involved in my life, my family, friends etc., I am a fierce protector, a solver, a fighter, a fixer... I am methodical, calculating, and level headed. People come to me, and lay their problems at my feet. No solution is unsolvable. 
For me.
I do this without hesitation. I do this regardless of, and before, my own personal problems.

What makes it unbearable, what makes it insufferable to the point that the desire to dispose of it (my position in life), is when I have no vulnerability left. When I am TOO GOOD.

Insanity, right?

Well, that's why I need my husband. It gets lonely at the top. I am a strong and powerful woman. I NEED an equal partner,
​if I choose to actually have one, in the first place. I need to be able to submit to someone or something. Someone to answer to, yes, kinda, but more so someone to lean on and tell me I am doing good. I need reassurance. I need comforting.
I need to be grounded.

That's who my husband is to me. He is my center. He brings me back to Earth... keeps me level.
But he too, suffers from depression, and unlike me, he is only just now learning & applying the power of his own mind, control... the power behind actively changing your outlook... 

Which creates MORE problems.

How can he comfort me, or dominate me, if he feels like less of a man? If he feels that I am too strong?
How can he be 'The MAN', to an independent Woman?​
How can he ground me or put me in my place, without being a chauvinistic or abusive man?
Isn't this what feminism is about? The equality of women to men?
Doesn't this go against all of that?

Maybe it does. But because I CHOOSE to have a partner, that partner has to match me toe to toe. I take care of him & his needs, I expect the same...

Well, this "domination" of me, usually takes place in the bedroom, where he gets to lead and I follow... um..
but a passionate kiss or a strong embrace, even on a day where I'm filled with rage because my cup over-floweth--
is usually all it takes.
I rule the house and create a sanctuary for him and all who visit here, but HE is MY SANCTUARY. 
He is MY Happy Place.

A relationship, just like a people, or an individual person, or any species for that matter, MUST EVOLVE. It has to. Stagnation equals Death.
​If your body stops moving, it starts breaking. Your essence, just like your bones and muscles, begin dissolving, until there is nothing left.

So, among ALL the issues I've been having for the past 9+ months or so, at the center of it all, has been an epic battle of adjusting and understanding within the most important relationship in my life.
It has not been easy.
It has broken me.

Some parts of me remain, broken.

So, this is where I am at.
This too, shall pass, and I will once again triumph and be jubilant.
But all in good time.

I love this picture. He'd stopped to say he loves me, in the middle of a jumpy house birthday party for our niece. Our eyes say it all!

*Note: The additional individuals have all since left, either by their own accord, or because they were asked to leave.
​We are at a steady 10, and holding..