The Subatomic Witch's Blog
Spiritual Healing & Guidance for those who can feel there is something more out there for them than what they've been sold.
It's the New Moon in Aries, and while normally I'd be outside doing a ritual of sorts, THIS is what I'm COMPELLED to be doing, instead. I've sown my seeds of intention. I've released my burdens, my worries, my past life contracts & vows... I've accepted my powers, gifts, abilities... Tonight, I start working in the capacity I've been called. Starting with some more "About me" story time.
It's been a long time coming. I've finally reached a point where I can TRULY be grateful for the life I have. I mean, I've had my moments where I thought my life was good, great even... But, this overwhelming feeling I have of "living in the right moment" is a complete and polar opposite to the feelings I've held up until the end of last year.
Last year was the end of a cycle. And not just for me, but for the world as a whole. I know everyone is feeling some kind of way... a shift in the Matrix, so-to-speak; because these thoughts are absolutely EVERYWHERE. Every podcast, book, blog, video, etc. that you come in contact with that has ANYTHING to do with self-improvement, whether it's religious based or witchy based or anything else in between, has the same exact language, RIGHT. NOW. Words like the Matrix, the Collective, Purpose, Frequency, Passion, Discipline, Service to others, Progress, Growth, Letting go of things that no longer serve you, Subconcious Retraining, Mindset... etc. It doesn't matter if you're listening to Tony Robbins, or Rachel Hollis, or Tim Ferris, or Jessica Lanyadoo, or whomever... they're ALL SAYING the SAME EXACT THING: Happiness comes from within AND it's time to shine our light and love and joy into the world to help everyone else rise up.
Yes, I WAS SUICIDAL. NO, I haven't attempted to take my life since middle school when I tried to swallow a bunch of pain killers, which apparently wasn't enough to do shit, because I didn't even get sick. My heart was obviously not in it. I thought back then a handful would've sufficed, but I think the unconcious part of me knew that if I DID get sick, instead of dying, the punishment from my dad would've beat any death, any day. And that's saying something. Of course, that's me musing about it now, some 28 years later, so... who really knows? I don't even think I told more than say, a couple of friends, so it wasn't for attention... yeah... I dunno.
What I do know, is that I've ALWAYS wanted to die. And FUCK, I HATE even saying that, but I NEED to say that. I NEED to express just how much I was just going through the motions, every fucking day of my life for YEARS. I HATED having to live, more like, exist, because others depended on me. Of course, I CHOSE to have my kids, and it was ALWAYS my kids that kept me from going through with any half-baked plan I might've had. And I say half-baked because whenever I'd envision how I'd do it, the 'fantasy' would fall apart as would I, as I got to the second half of the scenario: who would find my body? How would it affect them? How would my death impact the lives of those that NEEDED me, that I selfishly left behind? Fuck. Fuck. and Double FUCK. Obviously, I just couldn't do it, but I wished for death in a far off future, can't wait to get there, kind of way... like a great vacation kind of anticipation, kind of vibe. Like, people are all, "I can't wait to go to Paris or Hawaii!" And I was like, "I can't wait to not be needed so I can die!" I have felt for so long, and for so many countless years, so disingenuine, so fake. I hated having to smile and be strong.
*AS I wrote that last sentence, I was reminded of some posts I'd done on my HiporCritical Tumblr blog, last year, when I still wanted to post those thoughts in anonymity... When I WASN'T blogging on this website, because I just COULDN'T let these feelings out publicly. There was a part of me that felt that if I HAD SHARED these thoughts, then, that it would've been harmful and detrimental to whomever was reading them, because again, as an EMPATH, I know how I can influence the lives of others. So, I kept this to myself, bottled up and brewing. I was dying, and I was okay with it. Then, when I finally broke in October, I started expressing to members of my family & to my friends, how I was feeling. I wasn't afraid anymore to tell those closest to me that life didn't matter anymore, that I'd been taken for granted and abused for so-fucking-long... And it wasn't even about not having gotten the recognition for my efforts or the severe lack of appreciation... It was instead, about the suffocating feeling of having carried everyone else's burdens for so long, having their crosses break on MY BACK, and then being kicked and spat on while I was broken and dying.
Being a Martyr, sucks.
Did I learn a lesson? Eh... more like I just carried them for as far as I was willing to go. I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE. But, I couldn't let this be my life, anymore, and I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO. 'Been knowin, actually... So, last year, during the last week of December, I PHYSICALLY & EMOTIONALLY & SYMBOLICALLY began "washing my hands" of "their problems". One by one, until Imbolc (Beginning of February), I systematically relieved myself of the responsibility I had to them. Them, in this sense is family members & friends. Technically, the friends part started a bit earlier than End of December, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, I didn't cut them out of my life, I didn't stop loving them, I just cut my strings that were tied and tangled up in their webs. Meaning I wasn't listening to anymore bullshit. If they weren't taking my advice- fuck em. Seriously. If they couldn't care enough to make the effort to fix their lives, then why THE FUCK SHOULD I??? I wanted happiness, and I KNEW I DESERVED IT. And so did they. But their happiness wasn't my problem, even if they wanted it to be.
I realized back in 2016, when I started blogging, that that made me feel GOOD (the act of blogging). Like, really, REALLY-GOOD. I've said that before, so I don't feel I need to say it again. You can go to my Precariously Balanced Life Blog, and search in the categories for any post tagged as "deep thoughts" and I'm sure you'll find plenty to read about what makes me happy (blogging) and all kinds of other shit to keep you occupied for hours. Lol.
But, because so many around me weren't feeling good, it was hard for me to FEEL GOOD. And I'm NOT BLAMING them while simultaneously NOT BLAMING MYSELF; instead, I'm saying that all of that was to be expected. Again, back to the whole language of what we're hearing a lot of right now. It was the end of an incredibly dark cycle.
Welcome to the light.
When I acknowledged the fact that I was a witch, I asked for only one thing in return: "When I take this step forward and use this gift I have to help and heal others, within and without of my normal circle... when I expand to do the work that is required of me, the work I feel called to do... Please, let me know in the moment, as I am presented with a 'problem', that "this" is what I'm supposed to say. Let me know without a doubt, that these words, or this action, etc. is EXACTLY what this person NEEDS. We live in an era of incredible speed and resources, let me NOT WASTE MY TIME or the TIME of THOSE IN NEED."
And since that moment in September of last year, that is EXACTLY what I've gotten. Have I always had the answers? Sure, yes, I have. But damnit I'd be lying if I said that sometimes I had to really stew on an issue or hurry up & wait to get the answer. And THAT was such a huge problem, that I am happy to be rid of.
I'm sure I'll post again more about this topic, but as I've decided to add 3 of my Tumblr blog posts here, I know this post is already kinda a lot to read. Like that's any kind of a surprise, right? I mean, it's me. I'm always long-winded.
Anyway, below you will see 3 posts I did on Tumblr, on my HiporCritical Blog, last year. These were some thoughts I had that I wasn't sharing "publicly" as I hadn't yet, revealed that I had this other blog, and again, I wasn't sharing this part of me to really anyone...
Why I'm sharing them now? I'm not sure. I just feel compelled to do so. Someone out there is feeling the same way, or did and is weary of actually feeling better now, even though the "Universe et all", is saying it is time. If just by sharing this it helps to connect with someone, then I am happy. Helping people has been my passion, and I KNOW it IS MY PURPOSE.
Post #1 (February 25, 2018)
I AM #StrongEnough to fight off the negativity…
But damnit, I’m so tired of doing so. I’m the person everyone comes to for help. But who the Hell, do I go to?
If you’ve read any of my posts from any of my blogs, you might already know that I’m a builder of people and fixer of people’s problems. You might already know that I’m also an INTJ Libra female. You might already know that I have bipolar depression, endometriosis, and polycystic ovarian syndrome. You might already know that I went through puberty at a very young age and was hypersexual throughout my adolescence and early adult years. You might already know that I don’t give a flying f*@k about what others think of me, when compared to what I THINK OF ME.
If you did or didn’t know any of this, it’s pretty much irrelevant to this post, I guess. I’m not even sure what this post is supposed to be. I’m just sitting here, in a cold truck, in a quiet parking lot at night, needing to say… something.
But I’m not sure what.
I mean, I have a LOT to say. But I question who would fully understand (it), in its majority. Like, who can truly understand what I AM feeling?
I know I’m not the only person with too many responsibilities, too many projects, too many worries, too many mouths to feed and lives to guide. I know I’m not the only person who puts 20+ hour days into a job that possibly doesn’t pay until you’re on your deathbed and you get to reflect on the life you’ve led.
You see, where I end up feeling alone, is when I try to find answers… anywhere… and I can’t find them. So then being who I am, I dig into my own consciousness and find the answers there… only to have to store that information for later so I can share this insight with others who need this guidance.
I want to know how many others out there REALLY live the life of a sage, a prophet, an apostle, a god? And I’m not talking about those fake ass people who are just repeating what they’ve been told. I mean people who genuinely KNOW the answer, naturally & instinctively. The people who were born with that knowledge.
I want to know who the general cries to. Who god cries to? What or who, is the Apex predator afraid of?
… to be continued
Feb 25th, 2018
Post #2 (February 28, 2018)
I’m tired of being fake*
I’m tired of putting on a mask for the sake of others. I’m tired of pretending to care when in reality I care more than they ever could. I’m tired of saying I love you back, to someone who doesn’t understand the weight those words carry when I say it; to someone who doesn’t & couldn’t love me, as much. I’m tired of being the example. I’m tired of leading. I’m tired of having to dig deep into my extinguished reserves of patience & kindness & understanding EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. ALL DAY. I’m tired of feeling like a loser when I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting off every negative thought, keeping a barrier up so they don’t creep in… I’m tired of trying to stay focused on all the positive when my body wakes, sleeps, and functions every day in excruciating pain. I’m tired of expecting everyone around me to be able to think for once, by themselves. I’m so tired. I’m tired of hurting and existing in purgatory. I feel like I’m in limbo; suspended in animation or a thick gelatinous substance that allows me to only sink further into despair. Breathing is hard. Keeping my eyes open, even harder. I function most days autonomously. I’m tired of just going through the motions. I’m tired of not having someone to talk to or work out my problems and thoughts with, but myself. FUCK, I’m so tired. And FUCK I’m so lonely and cold. The weight of everyone’s problems is on my shoulders, and there’s no room left for mine. These tears aren’t mine. These tears are from the heaviness that weighs upon my psyche. I don’t live within the selfish divide of “Not my problem” & “You gotta take care of yourself”, I live on the other side that carries the knowledge, power, and responsibility & obligation to show others how to BE. There is NO OTHER OPTION. I’m just tired. I’m tired of talking to myself, talking me out of depression, talking me down off the ledge, talking me back to life so I can have a pulse again. I’m tired of having to perform CPR on myself. But, here I go again… quitting isn’t an option. My “Fakeness” is a dumbing down, an act of commonality so that others can be comfortable, even if I am not. My “fakeness” is for their benefit, not mine. Is it a lack of Integrity? A lack of self-truth? No, I know who I am through & through… I CHOOSE to act accordingly where present company is considered.
Feb 28th, 2018
Sometimes, I wish I had far lower standards; that I could be more carefree, or care less.
Sometimes, the disappointment I feel for the people that should be my equals, or even my superiors, is suffocating.
Sometimes, I really just want to burn every scrap of paper or delete every digital log of any thought that verifies my existence as an individual… so I can just be part of the crowd. The flock. The unwary. The group that lives within the Matrix of lies and complacency that dictate our illnesses & shortcomings. The village of blind, deaf, and dumb our souls live in, when it comes to seeing, hearing, and speaking with our hearts and minds, and living by our own wants and desires.
Sometimes, caring sucks.
Sometimes, caring is my greatest weakness.
Apr 10th, 2018
If you've read all of this to the end, THANK YOU... I know that was a lot! I do appreciate you stopping by, and
please, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Contact me. Much love. <3 <3<3